How to Address Unintentional Gaslighting: 7 Steps to Healthier Communication (2025)

You didn't mean to hurt them. You were just sharing your perspective, defending yourself, or trying to move past an argument. But your partner keeps saying you're making them doubt their own feelings—and now you're wondering if you've been gaslighting them without realizing it.

Unintentional gaslighting is more common than most people think. According to recent psychology research{:target="_blank"}, perpetrators may not always be fully aware of their motives, which can stem from learned behaviors, defense mechanisms, or difficulty with emotional regulation. The good news? Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward change.

In this guide, you'll learn how to identify unintentional gaslighting, understand why it happens, and discover practical steps to build healthier communication with your partner. Whether you're the one who may be gaslighting or the one experiencing it, these strategies can help both of you move forward.

What Is Unintentional Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to question their perceptions, memories, or sense of reality. While often associated with deliberate manipulation, research confirms that gaslighting isn't always intentional—it can happen without conscious intent.

Unintentional gaslighting occurs when someone dismisses, contradicts, or minimizes their partner's experiences without realizing the impact. Common behaviors include:

• Using phrases like "you're overreacting" or "that never happened"
• Contradicting your partner's memory of events
• Minimizing their emotions ("it's not a big deal")
• Deflecting with "I was just joking" when they express hurt

A 2024 study published in Personal Relationships{:target="_blank"} found that gaslighting exposure is associated with greater depression and lower relationship quality—effects that occur regardless of the gaslighter's intent. This means that even when you don't mean harm, the impact on your partner can be significant.

The key difference between unintentional and deliberate gaslighting lies in awareness and motivation. Deliberate gaslighters manipulate consciously to gain control. Unintentional gaslighters often believe they're simply sharing their perspective or avoiding conflict—unaware that they're invalidating their partner's reality.

5 Signs You May Be Unintentionally Gaslighting Your Partner

Self-awareness is the foundation of change. Here are five signs that you might be gaslighting your partner without realizing it:

1. You Frequently Say "You're Overreacting"

When your partner expresses hurt or frustration, do you automatically dismiss their reaction as excessive? Phrases like "you're being too sensitive" or "you're making a big deal out of nothing" invalidate their emotional experience—even if you genuinely believe they're overreacting.

Ask yourself: Do I often feel like my partner's emotions are disproportionate to the situation? Could my perception be influenced by my own discomfort with their feelings?

2. You Contradict Their Memory of Events

"That's not what happened" or "I never said that" are common phrases in relationships. But when you consistently insist your version of events is the only correct one, you may be causing your partner to doubt their own memory.

Ask yourself: When we remember things differently, do I always assume I'm right? Am I open to the possibility that their perception is equally valid?

3. You Minimize Their Feelings

Saying "it's not that serious" or "you shouldn't feel that way" might seem like you're trying to help your partner feel better. In reality, it communicates that their emotions are wrong or unimportant.

Ask yourself: Do I try to talk my partner out of their feelings instead of acknowledging them? Do I rush to problem-solving before they feel heard?

4. You Deflect With "I Was Just Joking"

Using humor can be a healthy part of relationships, but it becomes problematic when you use "it was just a joke" to dismiss your partner's hurt feelings. This is a common pattern that requires setting clear boundaries around harmful jokes. It shifts the blame to them for "not getting it" rather than acknowledging the impact of your words.

Ask yourself: When my partner says something I said hurt them, do I defend my intent rather than addressing their pain?

5. You Turn the Tables When Confronted

When your partner brings up an issue, do you find yourself becoming the victim? Responses like "I can't believe you'd accuse me of that" or "you're the one who always..." redirect the conversation away from their concern and onto your wounded feelings.

Ask yourself: Do I get defensive when my partner shares how my behavior affected them? Do I make it about my feelings instead of theirs?

Why People Gaslight Without Realizing It

Understanding the root causes of unintentional gaslighting can help you address the underlying patterns:

Learned communication patterns: Many people grow up in families where emotional dismissal was normal. Certain language patterns that signal manipulation can be passed down through generations. If your parents responded to your feelings with "stop crying" or "you're fine," you may have internalized these patterns without questioning them.

Defense mechanisms: Gaslighting behaviors often emerge as unconscious ways to avoid guilt, shame, or conflict. If acknowledging your partner's hurt means accepting that you did something wrong, dismissing their experience may feel like self-protection.

Difficulty with emotional regulation: Some people struggle to sit with uncomfortable emotions—their own or others'. Minimizing your partner's feelings may be an attempt to reduce the emotional intensity of a situation.

Lack of awareness about impact: You may genuinely not understand how your words affect your partner, especially if you grew up in an environment where such communication was normalized.

Research on psychological projection shows that we sometimes attribute our own uncomfortable feelings to others. If you're feeling defensive, you might unconsciously perceive your partner as "attacking" you—when they're simply sharing their experience.

How to Stop Unintentional Gaslighting: 7 Actionable Steps

Change is possible when you're willing to do the work. Here are seven concrete steps to stop unintentional gaslighting and build healthier communication:

1. Acknowledge the Impact (Even Without Intent)

The most important shift is separating intent from impact. You may not have meant to hurt your partner, but their pain is real. Start by acknowledging this:

Script: "I didn't mean to make you feel that way, but I understand that my words hurt you. Your feelings are valid, and I'm sorry for the impact."

2. Practice Active Listening

When your partner shares their experience, focus on understanding rather than defending yourself. Use reflective listening:

Script: "What I'm hearing is that when I said [X], you felt [Y]. Is that right?"

This shows you're genuinely trying to understand their perspective, not just waiting for your turn to speak.

3. Use "I" Statements Instead of "You" Accusations

Replace blame-focused language with statements about your own experience:

• Instead of: "You're being ridiculous"
• Try: "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and need a moment to process"

This keeps the conversation focused on feelings rather than character attacks.

4. Pause Before Dismissing

When you feel the urge to say "you're overreacting" or "that's not what happened," pause. Take five seconds to consider: What if their experience is valid, even if it's different from mine?

This brief pause can interrupt automatic dismissal patterns and create space for empathy.

5. Validate Before Problem-Solving

Many people—especially those who want to "fix" things—jump straight to solutions. But your partner needs to feel heard before they can receive solutions.

Script: "That sounds really frustrating. I can understand why you'd feel that way." Only after they feel validated should you ask, "Would you like to talk about what might help?"

6. Keep a Communication Journal

According to Dr. Robin Stern{:target="_blank"}, psychologist and author of The Gaslight Effect, writing down conversations helps you "decipher reality from distortions." Keep a journal where you note:

• What was said (as objectively as possible)
• How you felt
• How your partner said they felt
• Patterns you notice over time

This practice builds self-awareness and provides concrete data for reflection.

7. Seek Professional Support

If these patterns are deeply ingrained, individual therapy can help you understand your triggers and develop healthier communication skills. A therapist can help you differentiate between genuine disagreement and invalidation.

For relationship repair, couples counseling provides a safe space where both partners can express their experiences with professional guidance. Research shows that professional guidance speeds up gaslighting recovery significantly.

Scripts for Difficult Conversations

Having the right words can make difficult conversations easier. Here are scripts for both partners:

If you've been gaslighting (for apologizing): "I've been reflecting on our conversations, and I realize I've been dismissing your feelings. When I said [specific example], I was invalidating your experience. That wasn't okay, even though I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm committed to listening better and validating your feelings, even when they're different from mine. I'm also looking into talking to a therapist to work on these patterns."

If you've been gaslighted (for expressing your experience): "When you say things like [specific phrase], it makes me question my own perception. I need you to understand that my feelings are real, even if you see the situation differently. Can we work on acknowledging each other's experiences without insisting one of us is wrong?"

For establishing new norms together: "I want us both to feel heard in this relationship. Can we agree that when one of us shares how we feel, the other person's first response will be to acknowledge those feelings—even if we see things differently?"

When to Seek Professional Help

While self-help strategies are valuable, some situations require professional support:

• The gaslighting patterns have been ongoing for years
• One or both partners are unable to communicate without escalation
• There are other signs of emotional abuse in the relationship
• Trust has been significantly damaged
• Individual attempts at change haven't been successful

A therapist who specializes in relationship dynamics can help both partners understand their patterns and develop healthier communication. Individual therapy may be recommended before or alongside couples work, especially if one partner needs to process their own patterns first.

If the gaslighting has created codependent relationship patterns, addressing those dynamics may be an important part of recovery.

If you're experiencing abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline{:target="_blank"} (1-800-799-7233) provides confidential support.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can you gaslight someone without knowing it?

Yes, unintentional gaslighting is real and common. It often stems from learned communication patterns, defense mechanisms, or difficulty with emotional regulation. Someone might genuinely believe they're just sharing their perspective while unknowingly invalidating their partner's reality. The key difference from intentional gaslighting is awareness—unintentional gaslighters typically don't recognize the harm they're causing until it's pointed out.

What's the difference between disagreeing and gaslighting?

Healthy disagreement respects both people's perspectives. You might say, "I remember it differently, but I understand that's how you experienced it." Gaslighting, however, invalidates the other person's reality entirely: "That never happened" or "You're making things up." Disagreement allows for two truths; gaslighting insists only one version is correct.

Can a relationship recover from unintentional gaslighting?

Yes, many relationships can heal from unintentional gaslighting—especially when the person doing it acknowledges the behavior and commits to change. Recovery requires consistent effort, often including professional support. The fact that the gaslighting was unintentional can actually support recovery, as it suggests the behavior stemmed from unconscious patterns rather than deliberate manipulation. Learning to track mental health progress can help both partners see improvement over time.

How do I apologize for gaslighting my partner?

An effective apology includes: (1) acknowledging the specific behaviors, (2) validating your partner's experience without defending your intent, (3) taking responsibility for the impact, and (4) committing to concrete changes. Avoid phrases like "I'm sorry you felt that way" which subtly shift blame. Instead: "I'm sorry that I dismissed your feelings when I said [X]. Your experience was real, and I was wrong to invalidate it."

Is unintentional gaslighting still abuse?

The impact of gaslighting can be harmful regardless of intent. However, labeling all unintentional gaslighting as "abuse" may not be helpful—especially when someone is genuinely unaware and willing to change. What matters most is what happens after awareness: Does the person acknowledge the harm and work to change? Or do they continue the behavior despite knowing its impact? Persistent gaslighting after awareness becomes a choice.

Moving Forward Together

Unintentional gaslighting is painful for everyone involved—the person experiencing it feels invalidated, while the person doing it may feel confused and defensive when confronted. But recognizing the pattern creates an opportunity for real change.

The fact that you're reading this article shows self-awareness. Whether you're concerned about your own behavior or trying to understand what you're experiencing from a partner, that awareness is the foundation for healthier communication.

Start with one step. Practice pausing before dismissing. Try validating before problem-solving. Keep a journal to build awareness. And if you need support, don't hesitate to reach out to a professional who can guide you both toward a healthier relationship.

Understanding how gaslighting affects confidence over time can also help both partners appreciate why addressing these patterns early matters so much.

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About the Author

Wayne Pham is a relationship communication specialist focused on helping people recognize manipulation patterns and build healthier relationships. Through the Gaslighting Check platform, he provides resources and tools for identifying and addressing emotional manipulation in relationships.