Gaslighting in Parenting: Are You Doing It Without Realizing?

You may not notice, but parenting gaslighting can occur in everyday conversations. It happens when you unintentionally dismiss your child’s feelings or memories. Recognizing these habits is crucial for your child's emotional well-being. Take some time to reflect on this. Understanding parenting gaslighting can help you improve the way you connect with your child.

Key Takeaways

• Notice parenting gaslighting by spotting words that ignore your child's feelings. Knowing this is the first step to make a change.

• Listen closely and let your child know their feelings are real. Show them their feelings are important to help build trust.

• Think about how you talk to your child. Writing in a journal and getting help from a professional can help you stop bad habits.

What Is Parenting Gaslighting?

Definition

Parenting gaslighting is when you make your child doubt what they think or feel. You might not mean to do this, but it can still hurt your child’s trust in themselves. This often happens because parents have more power than kids. Over time, your child might feel mixed up, worried, or unsure about what is real.

Gaslighting is not just lying or tricking someone. It is a kind of emotional abuse. Someone tries to make another person question what is real, what they remember, or what they believe.

Here are some important points to remember:

• Parenting gaslighting is a way to make your child question their memories and what they see or feel.

• It happens more when one person has more power, like a parent over a child.

• If it keeps happening, your child may start to feel unsure, nervous, or not good about themselves.

Subtle Forms

You might not always notice when parenting gaslighting happens. Sometimes, it is hidden in small things you say or do every day. Here are some common examples:

• You tell your child, “You’re not hungry; you’re just tired,” when they want a snack.

• You say, “You’re being too sensitive,” after your child says something hurt their feelings.

• You say you are helping, but it sounds like criticism. This can make your child doubt their own feelings.

• You say your child’s memory of something is wrong. This can make them feel confused.

Other subtle forms include:

• Narrative gaslighting: Changing how your child remembers things.

• Emotional gaslighting: Saying your child’s feelings are wrong.

• Personal gaslighting: Making your child doubt themselves or feel less sure.

Parenting gaslighting does not only happen in big fights. It can be a pattern that happens again and again. This can make your child doubt themselves more over time.

Parenting Gaslighting Signs

Spotting parenting gaslighting can feel tricky. You might use certain phrases or behaviors without thinking about their impact. Let’s break down the most common signs so you can recognize them in your daily life.

Dismissing Feelings

When you dismiss your child’s feelings, you send the message that their emotions don’t matter. This can happen in small moments, like when your child feels sad or upset.

• You might say things like:

  • “You’re just too sensitive.”

  • “Stop overreacting.”

  • “You are making a big deal out of nothing.”

  • “You are being too emotional.”

• Sometimes, you label their emotions as an overreaction or tell them they shouldn’t feel a certain way.

• You may put words in their mouth, like saying, “You’re not cold,” when they say they are.

Tip: Try to listen first. If your child says something hurt their feelings, ask them to share more. You don’t have to agree, but you can show you care.

Dismissing feelings can make your child doubt their own emotions. Over time, they may stop sharing how they feel with you.

Denying Experiences

Denying your child’s experiences is another sign of parenting gaslighting. You might not realize you’re doing it, but it can have a big impact.

• Common phrases include:

  • “That didn’t happen.”

  • “You always make things up.”

  • “You’re just being dramatic.”

• You may revise history or remember events differently, causing your child to question their own memory.

• Sometimes, you deny promises or statements you made before. This can erode trust.

When you deny your child’s experiences, you destabilize their sense of reality. They may feel confused and start to wonder if they can trust their own thoughts.

Children who face this kind of gaslighting often stop seeking comfort from their parents. They may feel unsafe expressing their emotions and become emotionally distant.

Minimizing Reality

Minimizing reality means you downplay your child’s concerns or make them feel like their problems aren’t important.

• You might use phrases like:

  • “I criticize you because I love you.”

  • “You should have known better.”

  • “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”

• You may trivialize their worries or shift blame onto them, making them doubt their role in conflicts.

• Sometimes, you ignore their concerns or use overpowering silence, leaving them feeling irrelevant.

Note: Children who experience minimized reality often feel confused and distressed. They may struggle with low self-esteem and have trouble forming healthy relationships later in life.

Minimizing reality can disconnect your child from their needs. They may find it hard to regulate their emotions and feel lost about what’s real.

Here’s a quick checklist of warning signs that you might be unintentionally gaslighting your child:

1. You minimize their emotions with phrases like “You’re being too sensitive.”

2. You contradict yourself often, leading to confusion.

3. You remember events differently than your child.

4. You deny promises or statements you made.

5. You dismiss their worries as unimportant.

6. You shift blame onto your child.

7. You leave out important details.

8. You make conversations confusing.

9. You make your child feel alone in their perspective.

10. You ignore their concerns.

11. You claim not to remember things that happened.

Recognizing these signs is the first step to changing your approach. Parenting gaslighting can happen without you realizing it, but you can choose to listen, validate, and support your child’s feelings and experiences.

Why It Happens

Stress Factors

Parenting can be really hard sometimes. When you feel stressed, you might act in ways you did not plan. You may say things that hurt your child’s feelings by accident. Stress can make you lose patience and use parenting gaslighting more. Here are some family situations that can cause this:

• Double-bind parents give mixed messages. This makes kids feel lost.

• Unpredictable parents change how they act each day. This makes children feel unsure.

• Families who care a lot about looks may ignore real feelings.

• Emotional neglect at home can make kids feel like their feelings do not count.

When you are tired or worried, it is easy to fall into these habits.

Learned Patterns

You might do what you saw when you were young. Many families teach ways to talk and solve problems. Sometimes, these ways include gaslighting. Look at this table:

These habits can cause anxiety, low self-esteem, and feeling worn out for you and your child.

Lack of Awareness

You may not know when you use gaslighting. Some parents do not see how their words affect their kids. This often happens if you have not learned about emotional intelligence. Here is a quick look:

Unintentional gaslighting still hurts, even if you do not mean it. The first step is to notice these habits and try to change them.

Effects on Children

Trust Issues

If you use parenting gaslighting, your child may stop trusting you. They might not believe what you say or how you act. This can make home feel unsafe for them. Over time, trust problems can get worse. Your child may have trouble trusting other people too. Look at this table to see how these effects can show up:

Self-Esteem Impact

Kids want to feel listened to and respected. If you keep saying their feelings are wrong, they may start to believe it. This can make their self-esteem go down. You might see your child doubting themselves a lot. They may feel like they always mess up. Some kids say sorry all the time or stay quiet instead of talking. These signs mean your child feels unsure about themselves.

Emotional Confusion

Kids who face gaslighting often feel lost and mixed up. They may not trust their own thoughts or feelings. Here are some signs:

• Feeling mixed up and tired after talking with you

• Not sure if their memories or ideas are right

• Thinking they are “too sensitive” or “crazy”

• Staying quiet instead of speaking up

• Trying hard not to upset you

Kids who feel this way may feel weak and upset. They may not know what is real or not real.

If you see these signs, try to listen and help your child feel safe. Your support can really help their feelings and health.

Changing Your Approach

Self-Reflection

You can start changing by looking at your own actions. Self-reflection helps you spot patterns that might lead to parenting gaslighting. Here are some ways to do this:

• Keep a journal. Write down your daily interactions with your child. This helps you see if you repeat certain words or actions.

• Use “I” statements. For example, say, “I feel upset when…” instead of blaming your child. This keeps the focus on your feelings.

• Practice self-affirmations. Remind yourself that you want to grow and support your child.

• Set clear boundaries. Decide what is okay and what is not in your conversations.

• Talk to a therapist. A professional can help you understand your feelings and guide you through changes.

Self-reflection is not about blaming yourself. It is about learning and growing as a parent.

Better Communication

Good communication builds trust. You can help your child feel safe and heard by making small changes:

• Validate your child’s feelings. Say things like, “I see you’re upset,” or “That sounds hard.”

• Help your child sort out what is real. Talk about what happened and listen to their side.

• Keep your words neutral. Avoid saying bad things about others in front of your child.

• Let your child share at their own pace. Don’t push them with too many questions.

When you listen and respond with care, your child learns to trust their own feelings.

Validation Strategies

Validation means showing your child that their feelings and experiences matter. Try these strategies:

• Keep a journal to track your progress and your child’s reactions.

• Build a support system. Talk to friends or family who understand your goals.

• Seek help from a therapist who knows about family issues.

• Set clear boundaries to protect your emotional health.

• Practice self-care. Do things that make you feel good and lower your stress.

Making these changes takes time. Every step you take helps your child feel more secure and valued.

You can make a big difference by noticing gaslighting in your parenting. When you stay self-aware, you listen better, show emotional control, and support your child’s feelings.

• You find helpful resources, like articles and books, that teach you and your child about gaslighting.

• You build trust and help your child grow stronger.

FAQ

How do I know if I am gaslighting my child?

Look for patterns where you dismiss, deny, or minimize your child’s feelings. If your child seems confused or withdrawn, you might need to reflect.

Can I fix the damage if I have gaslighted my child?

Yes! You can apologize, listen, and validate your child’s feelings. Change your approach. Kids respond well when you show care and honesty.

What should I say instead of dismissing my child’s feelings?

Try saying, “I hear you,” or “That sounds tough.”
You can ask, “How can I help?” This shows you care about their feelings.