How to Tell If Someone Is a Covert Narcissist
If you want to identify covert narcissist behavior, watch for actions that leave you feeling confused or drained. A covert narcissist hides their need for praise by acting reserved or using subtle anger. Unlike overt narcissists, they don’t seek attention in obvious ways. Studies show that covert narcissists make up about half of all people with narcissistic personality disorder, making it important to identify covert narcissist traits since their signs are harder to spot. Learning how to identify covert narcissist behaviors can help you recognize hidden control tactics and protect yourself. Trust your instincts and seek support if someone’s actions make you feel uncomfortable.
Experts estimate that covert narcissists are 0.4% to 3.1% of the population.
To identify covert narcissist manipulation, look for the use of guilt or sadness to control others, as these tactics are often hard to detect.
Key Takeaways
Covert narcissists hide their need for attention. They act shy or act in a passive-aggressive way. This makes their actions hard to notice.
They use quiet tricks to control others. These tricks include guilt-tripping and pulling away emotionally. They also pretend to be the victim.
Look for signs like big reactions to criticism. They may give you the silent treatment. Their feelings and actions can be confusing. You might feel tired or unsure after being with them.
Set clear rules for how people treat you. Get help from people you trust or from professionals. This can keep you safe and healthy.
If you feel stressed or not safe around someone, trust your feelings. Give yourself space from that person. This can help you feel better and take back control.
How to Identify the Subtle Signs of a Covert Narcissist
What Is a Covert Narcissist
It can be tough to spot covert narcissist traits. These people often hide what they really want. A covert narcissist acts quiet and keeps to themselves. They do not ask for attention in obvious ways. Sometimes, they seem shy or like they want to be alone. Experts say a covert narcissist feels important inside but hides these narcissistic traits from others. They may feel misunderstood and have weak self-esteem. You might see them avoid groups or get upset if criticized. They want praise but show it by acting passive-aggressive or putting themselves down. Sometimes, they use sneaky ways to get what they want. This type of narcissism is also called vulnerable narcissism. It is linked to feeling insecure and nervous around others. If you want to spot these covert behaviors, notice if their actions make you feel weird or unsure.
Tip: If you think someone could be a covert narcissist, try taking a covert narcissist test or talk to a mental health expert for help.
Some common subtle signs of a covert narcissist are:
Pulling away from people or ignoring their feelings
Acting like they are better than others in a quiet way
Not listening well and getting annoyed fast
Not caring about others and thinking only of themselves
Putting up walls that make friendships hard
How Covert Narcissists Differ from Overt Narcissists
You might wonder how covert narcissists are different from overt ones. Overt narcissists act loud and want everyone to notice them. They show off and think they are the best. Covert narcissists hide these traits. They seem shy, unsure, and get hurt easily. Sometimes, they act like the victim or put themselves down. They may give compliments that are not really nice. Their narcissism is hard to see but still hurts people. Covert narcissists use quiet ways to get attention, like giving the silent treatment or blaming others in sneaky ways. Overt narcissists want praise and act stuck-up. Covert narcissists want people to notice them by acting humble or making others feel bad. Both types have narcissistic personality disorder, but covert narcissists are harder to notice because they act more like people who feel weak or nervous.
Note: Both overt and covert narcissists have trouble caring about others and having good relationships, but covert narcissists use sneaky ways to control and trick people.
Signs of a Covert Narcissist
Understanding the signs of a covert narcissist helps you stay safe and protect yourself. These people use sneaky tricks that can make you feel mixed up or unsure. If you want to spot covert narcissist actions, watch for these habits.
Subtle Manipulation
A covert narcissist does not control in obvious ways. They use quiet narcissistic manipulation tactics to get what they want. Some common tricks are:
Guilt-tripping: They make you feel bad for not helping them, even if you did nothing wrong.
Lying: They tell lies, big or small, to hide what they want or confuse you.
Denial: They say they never did or said something, so you doubt yourself.
Avoidance: They dodge blame or change topics when you talk about problems.
Blame-shifting: They say you caused their mistakes.
Emotional manipulation: They use your feelings to get their way through emotional blackmail.
Flattery: They give gifts or nice words to win trust, then use it against you.
Playing the victim: They act hurt or misunderstood to get sympathy and avoid blame.
Covert narcissists use quiet tricks. You might not notice until you feel tired or unsure. They often make you feel like your feelings are wrong. Gaslighting is common, making you question what is real. They may sulk, ignore you, or give fake compliments. These are signs of a covert narcissist.
If you see these tricks, you might be dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Their tricks are not loud. They hide behind being nice or acting sad, so it is hard to see.
Emotional Withdrawal
Another sign is withdrawal and avoidance of emotional connection. This means they stop talking or ignore you when things do not go their way. You may feel nervous, not knowing when they will pull away.
Covert narcissists use emotional withdrawal to control people. They may stop talking, act cold, or not show love.
This makes you feel confused and worried. You might think their mood is your fault or try harder to please them.
Their tendency to hold grudges means emotional withdrawal can last a long time. It is hard to know when it will end.
If you want to spot covert narcissist habits, look for emotional withdrawal, especially after you set rules or ask for what you need. This is a classic sign of narcissism and a way to keep control.
Hypersensitivity to Criticism
Covert narcissists have weak self-esteem and extreme sensitivity to criticism. Their high sensitivity to criticism means they react strongly to any feedback, even if you mean well. You may notice:
They think feedback is an attack, not a way to help.
They get upset, sulk, or get angry when criticized.
They may act like the victim, saying you are mean or unfair.
They might ignore you, make rude comments, or blame you for their feelings.
Research shows covert narcissists feel deep insecurity, shame, and low self-worth. They see criticism as proof they are not good enough. This makes them think they are either perfect or worthless. Their feelings can include worry, anger, or even feeling sick.
If someone overreacts to small criticism and uses it to blame others or pull away, you may be seeing signs of a covert narcissist.
Playing the Victim
Playing the victim is a common sign of a covert narcissist. They use this to get sympathy, avoid blame, and control others. You might see:
They say your fair requests are too much or unfair.
They tell stories that make others look bad, so you lose friends or family.
They use guilt, saying things like, “After all I’ve done for you,” to make you feel you owe them.
At work, they may spread rumors or take credit for others’ work, blaming others for mistakes.
With friends, they make you doubt your other friends or use small problems to cut you off from your support.
In relationships, they deny promises or twist what happened, making you question what is real.
Covert narcissists use the victim role to protect themselves and to control. They avoid blame, get sympathy, and make you feel guilty. This keeps you feeling like you must make them happy. Their victim act also helps them change the story, so you doubt your own memories.
If you want to spot covert narcissist traits, look for them acting like the victim again and again, especially when you set rules or ask them to be responsible. This is a key sign of narcissistic personality disorder and vulnerable narcissism.
Signs of Covert Narcissism in Relationships
Confusing Emotional Dynamics
If you are close to a covert narcissist, things can feel confusing. You might never know what will happen next. They often make you feel guilty or act like a victim. Sometimes, they pretend you do not understand them. They want you to comfort them, even if you did nothing wrong. This can make you feel like their feelings are your fault.
Covert narcissists use gaslighting. This means they make you doubt your own memory or feelings.
Important Resource: If you're experiencing confusion about whether certain interactions involve gaslighting or manipulation, Gaslighting Check can help you identify these patterns. This tool is especially valuable when dealing with covert narcissists, as their manipulation tactics are often subtle and hard to recognize.
If you set a boundary, they might ignore you or act cold.
You may feel nervous, always worried about upsetting them.
These confusing actions can make you feel anxious and unsure. After a while, you might experience self-doubt and start to question your own thoughts and needs.
Tip: If you feel tired or always think things are your fault, these could be signs of a covert narcissist.
Lack of Genuine Empathy
A covert narcissist might look caring in public. But when you are alone, their empathy seems fake. They say nice things, but their actions do not match. You may see that they only care when it helps them look good.
Their support is not steady. Sometimes they help, but other times they ignore your feelings.
They might use your feelings against you. This can make you feel bad for having needs.
Covert narcissists may stop giving support to punish you. This can leave you feeling alone.
This lack of real empathy can make you feel lonely and unimportant. In relationships, this can make you feel tired and lower your self-esteem.
Unpredictable Behaviors
Covert narcissists display manipulative behaviors that keep you guessing. Their moods change fast, so you never know what to expect. One day they praise you, but the next day they might ignore or criticize you.
They use passive-aggressive words, backhanded compliments, and silent treatment.
Gaslighting and twisting the truth make you doubt your own experiences.
They may act nice in public but become cold at home.
These actions create a cycle of being praised and then put down. You may feel nervous, insecure, and always trying to make them happy. Over time, this can hurt your trust and make you feel unsafe in the relationship.
Note: If you see these signs of covert narcissism, remember you are not alone. Many people feel confused and upset when dealing with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder.
How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist: Effective Response Strategies
Setting Boundaries
When you deal with a covert narcissist, setting boundaries protects your mental health. You need to know what behaviors you will and will not accept. Therapists suggest these steps:
Decide which actions you cannot tolerate from the covert narcissist.
Say no firmly when they make demands that hurt your well-being.
Set clear consequences if they cross your boundaries, and follow through every time.
Plan what you want to talk about before you meet. Do not answer questions that feel too personal.
Keep your private life private. Do not share details they could use against you.
Speak up when they act in hurtful ways. Let them know you notice.
Use deep breathing or mindfulness to stay calm and focused on yourself.
Remember: Setting boundaries will not change the covert narcissist, but it helps you control your own reactions and keeps you safe from manipulation. Clinical studies show that boundaries help you feel stronger, even if the narcissist does not change.
Seeking Support
You do not have to face the challenge of dealing with a narcissist alone. Support from others can help you heal and stay strong. Building a strong support system with trusted friends and family can give you comfort and remind you of your worth. Support from a therapist gives you a safe place to talk about your feelings and learn new ways to cope. Many people find support groups helpful because you can share your story and hear from others who understand.
Therapy Type | How It Helps You Recover |
|---|---|
Changes negative thinking patterns | |
Trauma-focused Therapy | Heals trauma from narcissistic abuse |
EMDR | Reduces distress from painful memories |
Attachment Therapy | Breaks old patterns from past relationships |
Psychodynamic Therapy | Builds self-awareness and healthy change |
When to Distance Yourself
Sometimes, the best way to deal with a covert narcissist is to step back or even cut contact. Watch for these signs:
You feel tired, sad, or stressed after seeing them.
You hide your success to avoid their jealousy.
They use guilt or threats to control you.
You notice their behavior makes you doubt yourself.
If you see these signs, it may be time to distance yourself. Many people find that stepping away from a covert narcissist helps them break free from manipulation and regain their sense of self. You can focus on your own needs, rebuild your confidence, and start to heal from the effects of narcissism.
Note: Trust your feelings and watch for patterns over time. Your well-being matters most. If you need help, reach out to a mental health professional.
You can notice a covert narcissist by looking for sneaky actions, pulling away, and strange behavior. Listen to your feelings if you feel tired or confused. Making clear rules and having people you trust can keep you safe.
Be ready for them to get upset when you say no.
Keep talking to friends or a counselor for help.
Getting better takes a while, but others can help you. Taking care of yourself and having support really helps.
FAQ
What is the main difference between a covert and overt narcissist?
You see covert narcissists act quiet and shy. Overt narcissists act loud and want attention. Covert narcissists hide their need for praise. Overt narcissists show off and brag.
Can a covert narcissist change their behavior?
Change is possible, but only if the person wants help. Most covert narcissists do not see a problem. Therapy can help, but you cannot force someone to change.
How do you protect yourself from a covert narcissist?
Set clear boundaries. Limit what you share. Stay connected with friends and family. If you feel unsafe, talk to a counselor or trusted adult.
Is it my fault if I feel confused around a covert narcissist?
No, it is not your fault. Covert narcissists use tricks that make you doubt yourself. Trust your feelings. You deserve respect and support.