Economic Abuse: How to Recognize Financial Control and Coercion in Relationships

When we think of abuse in relationships, physical violence often comes to mind first. But there's a quieter, equally devastating form of control that leaves no bruises: economic abuse. It's a weapon wielded through bank accounts, credit cards, and paychecks—designed to trap you in a relationship by destroying your financial independence.

If you don't have money of your own, how can you leave?

According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, 99% of domestic violence cases involve some form of economic abuse. Yet it remains one of the least recognized forms of intimate partner violence, precisely because it hides behind seemingly normal financial arrangements.

This article will help you understand what economic abuse looks like, why abusers use financial control as a tool of power, and—most importantly—how to protect yourself and begin reclaiming your independence.

What Is Economic Abuse?

Economic abuse, sometimes called financial abuse or economic coercion, is a pattern of behavior designed to control a person's ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources. Unlike physical abuse, economic abuse operates in the shadows of everyday life—it looks like "managing" the household finances, "protecting" you from financial stress, or "being practical" about money decisions.

Economic abuse is the deliberate use of financial tactics to control, isolate, and create dependency in an intimate partner.

As Stephanie Moulton Sarkis explains in Healing From Toxic Relationships, "Economic abuse includes gaslighters' requiring that you ask permission to have money, giving you an allowance, not allowing you to have control over the money you've earned, having all items and property in their name only, refusing to share financial information with you, and insisting that they do all the money management, with no input allowed from you."

The key word here is control. There's a difference between a couple agreeing that one person manages the bills and someone being denied access to financial information entirely. Healthy financial arrangements involve transparency, joint decision-making, and equal access. Economic abuse involves secrecy, one-sided control, and systematic disempowerment.

Why Abusers Use Financial Control

Understanding the motivation behind economic abuse reveals its true nature as a tool of power, not practicality.

It Creates Dependency

The primary goal of economic abuse is to create a situation where leaving becomes nearly impossible. When you don't have money for a security deposit, can't afford legal fees, or have no credit history because everything is in their name, the barriers to escape multiply.

As Sarkis notes: "If gaslighters refuse to allow you to pay for anything on your own or manage your own money, it's because they know you are less likely to leave if you don't have financial independence."

It's Often Invisible

Unlike a black eye, economic abuse leaves no visible marks. To outsiders, the abuser may appear generous or responsible. They might drive nice cars, own expensive things, and project an image of financial success—while their partner quietly struggles without access to shared resources.

Dr. Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, emphasizes that abusers often maintain "a normal, even charming, public image, making the abuse hard to spot." This public-private split is especially pronounced in financial abuse.

It Erodes Self-Worth

Beyond practical control, economic abuse attacks your sense of competence and self-worth. Being told you're "bad with money," "too emotional to handle finances," or "would just waste it" slowly convinces victims they truly are incapable of managing their own affairs.

This psychological component makes economic abuse a form of gaslighting—it manipulates you into doubting your own abilities and judgment.

7 Warning Signs of Economic Abuse

Economic abuse can be subtle, especially in its early stages. Here are the key tactics to recognize:

1. Controlling All Income

Your partner deposits your paycheck into an account you don't have access to, or insists you hand over your earnings. They may claim they're "better with money" or that this arrangement is "easier," but the result is the same: you have no independent financial resources.

2. Giving You an "Allowance"

You're an adult, but you have to ask for money to buy basic necessities. You receive a set amount for groceries or personal items, and must account for every penny. Requests for additional funds are questioned, denied, or used as leverage.

3. Sabotaging Employment

They create situations that make it difficult to maintain employment:

• Causing arguments before important work events
• Refusing to help with childcare or transportation
• Calling constantly during work hours
• Showing up at your workplace
• Pressuring you to quit because they "make enough"

4. Running Up Debt in Your Name

Opening credit cards or taking loans in your name without your knowledge or through coercion. This tactic destroys your credit score and creates financial obligations you may not even know about until the relationship ends.

5. Hiding Financial Information

You don't know how much money you have, what bills are paid, or where the money goes. Tax documents are hidden. Investment accounts are secret. Questions about finances are met with anger, deflection, or accusations of distrust.

6. Using Money as Punishment

Financial resources are weaponized:

• "Since you upset me, I'm canceling your credit card"
• "You don't deserve new clothes after what you said"
• Money is withheld until you comply with demands or apologize

7. Creating Financial Guilt

They remind you constantly of what they've provided—the house, the car, the lifestyle—and use this to justify control. Past financial mistakes (real or exaggerated) are brought up to "prove" you can't be trusted with money.

Economic Abuse During Separation and Divorce

Financial abuse often escalates—or even begins—when victims attempt to leave. Abusers may:

Weaponize Legal Processes

They drain joint accounts before filing for divorce. They hide assets, underreport income, or transfer property to relatives. Legal fees are run up intentionally to exhaust your resources.

Withhold Required Support

Child support or alimony is paid late, partially, or not at all. Children become financial pawns—"Tell your mother if she wants you to have new shoes, she can pay for them."

Use Intimidation During Negotiations

The threat of prolonged legal battles is used to force acceptance of unfair settlements. "Take this offer or I'll make sure we're in court for years."

Destroy Credit

Accounts are closed, maxed out, or defaulted on—all in ways that damage your credit score and financial future.

How Economic Abuse Differs from Financial Disagreements

All couples argue about money. Financial stress is normal. So how do you distinguish economic abuse from ordinary relationship friction?

Healthy financial disagreements:

• Both partners have input in decisions
• Both have access to financial information
• Disagreements are about priorities, not control
• Neither partner is punished for spending
• Both can make purchases without fear

Economic abuse:

• One partner makes all decisions unilaterally
• Financial information is hidden or restricted
• "Discussions" are really demands
• Money is used as reward/punishment
• One partner fears asking for basic needs

The fundamental difference is power. In healthy relationships, money disagreements are about different values or priorities. In abusive relationships, money is about control.

Why Victims Don't "Just Leave"

Understanding economic abuse helps answer the frustrating question outsiders often ask: "Why don't you just leave?"

The answer is built into the abuse itself:

• No savings: Everything has gone to the abuser-controlled account
• No credit: Credit cards are in their name, or your credit is destroyed
• No employment history: Years of "not working" makes getting a job difficult
• No place to go: Friends and family have been isolated
• Legal costs: Divorce attorneys require retainers you don't have
• Fear of poverty: Especially when children are involved

Economic abuse is specifically designed to make leaving financially impossible. Asking "why don't you leave?" is like asking someone in a locked room why they don't walk out.

How to Protect Yourself

If you recognize economic abuse in your relationship, here are steps to begin reclaiming your financial independence:

Document Everything

• Take photos of financial statements
• Note account numbers and passwords
• Copy tax returns and property deeds
• Document your contributions (monetary and otherwise)
• Keep records in a safe location (a trusted friend's house, cloud storage with private login)

Build a Secret Safety Fund

• Save small amounts where they won't be noticed
• Ask trusted family members to hold money for you
• Some domestic violence organizations can help establish a confidential account

Understand Your Financial Picture

• Pull your credit report (free at AnnualCreditReport.com)
• Identify accounts in your name
• Document debt levels and asset values

Protect Your Credit

• Freeze your credit to prevent new accounts being opened
• Set up fraud alerts
• Consider a credit monitoring service

Seek Professional Help

• Contact a domestic violence organization for safety planning
• Consult a family law attorney (many offer free consultations)
• Speak with a financial advisor who understands abuse situations

Build Employment Skills

• Take free online courses to update skills
• Volunteer to build recent references
• Research job opportunities for when you're ready

Resources for Survivors of Economic Abuse

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

• Can connect you with local resources including financial assistance

National Network to End Domestic Violence:

• Economic Justice Program specifically addresses financial abuse

WomensLaw.org:

• Legal information about financial abuse and divorce

Credit counseling services:

• Many offer free help rebuilding credit and managing debt

Allstate Foundation Purple Purse:

• Financial education specifically for abuse survivors

If you're in immediate danger, contact emergency services. Remember that leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time—make sure you have a safety plan in place.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is economic abuse really abuse if there's no physical violence?

Yes. Economic abuse is recognized as a form of intimate partner violence by domestic violence organizations, legal systems, and mental health professionals worldwide. It causes significant psychological harm, creates dangerous dependency, and often co-occurs with or escalates to other forms of abuse. The absence of physical violence doesn't diminish the harm.

Can men be victims of economic abuse?

Absolutely. While women are more commonly victims of intimate partner violence, economic abuse can happen to anyone regardless of gender. Men may face additional barriers to reporting due to stigma. The tactics and impacts are similar regardless of the victim's gender.

What if they're "just bad with money" rather than controlling?

The key distinction is intent and pattern. Someone who's genuinely struggling financially will typically be transparent about it, welcome help managing money, and not use finances as punishment or control. Economic abuse involves deliberate secrecy, denial of access, and using money as a tool of power—not simply poor money management.

How do I know if I'm overreacting?

If you're frequently afraid to discuss money, feel you must "earn" financial access, are punished financially for disagreements, or have no ability to see or influence household finances, these are signs of abuse—not overreaction. In healthy relationships, both partners feel comfortable discussing finances and have appropriate access to resources.

Can economic abuse happen after separation?

Yes, and it often intensifies. Post-separation economic abuse includes withholding child support, hiding assets during divorce, running up joint debt, and using legal processes to drain resources. Courts are increasingly recognizing these tactics as forms of continued abuse.

What if I've been out of the workforce for years?

Many survivors face this challenge. Organizations like Dress for Success help with job preparation. Community colleges often offer free or reduced-cost skills training. Document your unpaid labor (household management, childcare, supporting their career) as this may be relevant in divorce proceedings. Your skills are more transferable than abusers want you to believe.

Is it economic abuse if we agreed I'd stay home with the kids?

The arrangement itself isn't abuse. The question is whether you have equal access to family resources, input in financial decisions, the ability to spend reasonably without permission or punishment, and transparency about your financial situation. Staying home becomes abusive when it's combined with financial secrecy, control, and denial of access.

How do I leave with no money?

Many domestic violence organizations provide emergency funds, housing assistance, and help accessing public benefits. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for resources specific to your situation. Some areas have "Address Confidentiality Programs" that help survivors establish new lives safely.

Conclusion

Economic abuse thrives in silence and invisibility. It hides behind closed doors and joint accounts, wrapped in the language of "providing" and "protecting." But control is not love, and financial manipulation is not money management.

Recognizing economic abuse is the first step toward freedom.

If you see yourself in this article, know that what you're experiencing is real, it is serious, and you deserve better. Your financial incompetence is a myth created by someone who benefits from you believing it. Your difficulty leaving isn't weakness—it's the result of a trap deliberately constructed to keep you dependent.

Recovery is possible. Financial independence can be rebuilt. The same strength that has helped you survive this situation can carry you toward a life where money is a tool you control, not a weapon used against you.

You don't have to figure this out alone. Reach out to a trusted friend, a domestic violence organization, or a professional who understands abuse dynamics. The path forward may not be easy, but it exists—and you deserve to walk it.

If you found this article helpful, consider exploring our resources on setting boundaries in toxic relationships and recognizing emotional manipulation.