Triangulation: How Narcissists Pit People Against Each Other to Maintain Power

Have you ever felt like you were constantly being compared to someone else? Perhaps your partner casually mentioned how their ex "never complained about that," or your parent reminded you how much better your sibling performed. The confusion and self-doubt that follow these moments aren't accidental—they're often the result of a calculated manipulation tactic called triangulation.

According to research by narcissistic abuse expert Shahida Arabi, 71% of adult children of narcissists have experienced triangulation and been unfairly compared to others in demeaning ways. This manipulation tactic is designed to keep you off-balance, competing for approval, and questioning your own worth.

"Triangulation is the act of bringing a third party into the dynamic of a relationship to further belittle you." — Shahida Arabi

In this comprehensive guide, you'll learn exactly what triangulation is, why narcissists use it, and most importantly, how to recognize and protect yourself from this divide-and-conquer strategy.

What Is Triangulation? The Divide-and-Conquer Strategy

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where someone brings a third party into the dynamic of a two-person relationship to gain control and power. As Shahida Arabi explains in Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists:

"This is when the narcissistic parent pits you against other siblings or peers, comparing you in cruel, demeaning, and unfair ways to others. They may also give you the silent treatment and choose to communicate to you through another person (like another sibling or parent)."

The key to understanding triangulation is recognizing that it creates competition where none should exist. In healthy relationships, partners support each other. Parents nurture each child's individual growth. Friends celebrate each other's successes. But in a triangulated dynamic, the narcissist positions themselves at the top of a triangle, with two or more people competing for their approval at the bottom.

The goal isn't genuine connection with anyone—it's maintaining power through division.

How Triangulation Works

Picture a triangle with three points:

• The narcissist sits at the top, controlling the narrative
• You are at one bottom corner, trying to prove your worth
• A third party (ex, sibling, friend, coworker) occupies the other corner

The narcissist plays both bottom corners against each other, ensuring neither forms an alliance. They control all information flow, deciding what each party "knows" about the other. This information is often distorted, exaggerated, or completely fabricated.

Why Narcissists Use Triangulation

Narcissistic Supply

At its core, triangulation serves the narcissist's insatiable need for attention and emotional reactions—what experts call "narcissistic supply." Diletta Chan, author of Gaslighting: How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic Relationships, explains the underlying motivation:

"This infidelity is not motivated by discontent with the principal partner, but rather by a sadistic desire for narcissistic supplies. This supply comes in the form of the attention of several individuals as well as the emotional pain of the victim in response to the triangulation."

When a narcissist triangulates you with an ex-partner, a coworker, or a sibling, they're collecting supply from multiple sources simultaneously:

• Attention from the third party
• Your emotional reaction (jealousy, insecurity, desperation to prove your worth)
• A sense of power from orchestrating the entire dynamic

Your pain literally feeds them.

Control Through Insecurity

Beyond supply, triangulation creates powerful control mechanisms:

Dependency: When you feel you must constantly prove your worth, you become emotionally dependent on the narcissist's approval.

Fear of replacement: The implicit threat that you can be replaced at any time keeps you compliant and less likely to challenge their behavior.

Isolation: By making you distrust others based on what the narcissist "reported" they said about you, the narcissist becomes your only "reliable" source of validation.

Preventing alliances: When you're busy competing with the third party, you won't form an alliance with them—even though you're both being manipulated.

This systematic creation of insecurity isn't accidental—it's a feature, not a bug.

Common Triangulation Tactics (With Examples)

1. The Ex-Partner Comparison

One of the most common triangulation tactics in romantic relationships involves bringing ex-partners into the current relationship:

• "My ex never complained about my late nights at work"
• Maintaining overly friendly or ambiguous relationships with exes
• Liking and commenting extensively on an ex's social media
• Keeping photos or mementos prominently displayed
• "We were together for five years—she understood me in ways you don't"

The message is clear: you're being measured against someone else, and you might not measure up.

2. The Concerned Messenger

Narcissists often position themselves as the innocent messenger of bad news about what others supposedly think of you:

• "Your sister told me she thinks you've been selfish lately"
• "Everyone at work has noticed you seem distracted"
• "My friends think you're too controlling"
• "Your mother mentioned she's worried about your weight"

These statements may be completely fabricated, exaggerated, or taken wildly out of context. The goal is to create conflict between you and potential support people, making you feel attacked from multiple angles while becoming dependent on the narcissist as your "one true ally."

3. Creating False Allies

Similar to the concerned messenger tactic, this involves claiming that others agree with the narcissist's criticism of you:

• "Even your mother agrees that you need to change"
• "All our friends think you overreacted"
• "My therapist says you're clearly the problem"
• "Everyone sees how difficult you are—I'm the only one willing to put up with it"

By inventing a chorus of voices that supposedly echo their criticism, the narcissist makes their attacks feel more legitimate while your perspective feels increasingly isolated.

4. Flaunting New Supply

This tactic involves making you aware of potential "replacements":

• Excessive friendliness with an attractive coworker
• Texting frequently with a new friend who "really gets them"
• Making comments about other people's attractiveness
• Creating ambiguous situations designed to provoke jealousy

The underlying message: "See how easily I could replace you?"

5. Using Children as Weapons

In families or co-parenting situations, children often become pawns:

• Pumping children for information about the other parent
• Making children messengers for conflict
• Creating loyalty binds where children feel they must choose sides
• Rewarding children who report information while punishing those who don't

Triangulation in Romantic Relationships

In romantic partnerships, triangulation often takes particularly painful forms:

Flirting in front of you: Making comments about other people's attractiveness, being overly friendly with servers or colleagues, then maintaining that their behavior is "innocent" and you're being paranoid.

Comparing your qualities: "Why can't you dress more like her?" or "My ex was always so easygoing"—using comparisons to make you feel inadequate in specific ways.

Using friends or family against you: Recruiting your partner's friends or family to deliver criticisms, or sharing private relationship details to build alliances against you.

Triangulation with new supply: Introducing a new person into your awareness—a coworker they spend time with, a new friend who "really gets them"—creating anxiety about potential replacements.

As Diletta Chan notes, narcissists engage in "triangulating their victims with other love interests, including their ex-partners, engaging in pathological lies and deception... comparing the victim to others about their appearance, personality, performance and other qualities, instilling in them a sense of worthlessness."

Family Triangulation: When Parents Pit Children Against Each Other

Family systems can be fertile ground for triangulation, particularly when a parent has narcissistic traits. The research is striking: 71% of adult children of narcissists report being triangulated and unfairly compared to others.

The Golden Child vs. Scapegoat Dynamic

One of the most damaging forms of family triangulation is the golden child and scapegoat dynamic. In this pattern:

• One child is elevated, praised, and can do no wrong (the golden child)
• Another child is criticized, blamed, and carries the family's negative projections (the scapegoat)
• Both children are positioned as competitors rather than allies
• The parent maintains control by keeping the children focused on each other rather than the parent's behavior

Other Common Family Triangulation Patterns

Unfair comparisons: "Your brother got straight A's—why can't you?" or "Your sister never gave me this much trouble." These comparisons ignore individual differences and create lifelong feelings of inadequacy.

Using children as messengers: Rather than speaking directly to one child, a narcissistic parent may communicate through another sibling: "Tell your sister I'm disappointed in her." This creates triangulation even without direct confrontation.

Silent treatment combined with proxy communication: Withdrawing direct communication while using another family member to relay messages and gather information.

Recruiting flying monkeys: Enlisting other family members to enforce the narcissist's narrative and control the scapegoated child.

As Shahida Arabi observes, the long-term effects are significant:

"Triangulation causes adult children of narcissists to compare themselves excessively to others and to carry a persistent sense of not feeling 'good enough.' Adult children of narcissists are also taught to be highly competitive and to be the best at all costs."

The Psychological Impact of Being Triangulated

If you've experienced triangulation, you may recognize these lasting effects:

Immediate Effects

• Confusion and self-doubt: "Am I really not as good as they say?"
• Anxiety about the relationship: Constantly wondering where you stand
• Jealousy toward the third party: Even though they may also be a victim
• Hypervigilance: Watching for signs of comparison or replacement

Long-Term Effects

Chronic self-doubt: Constantly questioning whether you're really "good enough" compared to others.

Persistent comparison: Finding yourself involuntarily measuring your worth against everyone around you—in relationships, at work, even with strangers.

Feeling never good enough: A deep sense that no matter what you achieve, it won't be enough to earn genuine love and approval.

Isolation from support: Having learned to distrust others based on what the narcissist "reported" they said about you.

Learned hyper-competitiveness: Approaching relationships as competitions to be won rather than connections to be enjoyed.

Trust issues: Difficulty believing that people genuinely care without ulterior motives.

Trauma bonding: The intermittent reinforcement created by triangulation can create powerful, addiction-like attachment to the narcissist.

These aren't character flaws—they're predictable psychological responses to systematic manipulation.

How to Protect Yourself From Triangulation

1. Recognize the Pattern

Awareness is your first defense. Start noticing when:

• Third parties are introduced into your relationship conflicts
• You feel like you're competing with someone for the person's approval
• You're told what others "really think" about you without the ability to verify
• Comparisons make you feel inadequate or anxious
• You're being positioned as "the problem" while someone else is idealized

When you feel that familiar pit in your stomach—the one that says "you're not measuring up"—pause and ask yourself: who introduced this competition?

2. Refuse to Compete

The triangulation game requires your participation. When you refuse to compete, the tactic loses much of its power:

• Don't chase approval by trying to outperform the third party
• Maintain your own internal sense of value that doesn't depend on winning comparisons
• When compared unfavorably, instead of scrambling to prove yourself, you might say: "I'm not going to compete with your ex. I'm my own person."

Remember: healthy relationships don't require you to win competitions.

3. Verify Information Directly

When told that others have criticized you or hold negative opinions:

• Go directly to the source when possible: "I heard you said something about me—can we talk about it?"
• Don't accept the narcissist as a reliable messenger about what others think
• Build and maintain direct relationships with friends and family, not filtered through the narcissist

You may discover that many "conversations" the narcissist reported never actually happened—or were dramatically distorted.

4. Set Firm Boundaries

Establish clear limits around triangulation behaviors:

• "I'm not comfortable with comparisons to your ex"
• "If you have an issue with me, please speak directly to me rather than through others"
• "I won't discuss our relationship problems with your family"

If these boundaries are consistently violated, that tells you something important about whether change is possible.

5. Build Your Support Network Independently

The narcissist uses triangulation partly to isolate you. Counter this by:

• Maintaining your own friendships outside the relationship
• Staying connected with family members directly
• Building relationships the narcissist doesn't control or mediate
• Having people who know your perspective firsthand, not through the narcissist's filter

Healing From Triangulation: Rebuilding Your Self-Worth

Recovery from triangulation involves both understanding and actively rebuilding:

Recognize the Manipulation Was About Their Needs

Triangulation was never about your actual inadequacy—it was about the narcissist's need for control and supply. Your worth was never really in question. The comparisons were manufactured. The competitions were artificial.

Work on Internalizing Your Own Value

Practice recognizing your strengths, achievements, and positive qualities independently of anyone else's approval or comparison. Ask yourself:

• What do I value about myself?
• What would I tell a friend who was being compared unfairly?
• How would I recognize my own worth if no one else were watching?

Seek Specialized Support

Therapists who understand narcissistic abuse can help you:

• Untangle the effects of triangulation
• Recognize how the pattern may repeat in other relationships
• Rebuild healthy relationship patterns
• Develop a strong sense of self that doesn't depend on external validation

Practice Self-Compassion

The voice that tells you you're "not good enough" was planted by manipulation. Learning to speak to yourself with kindness is part of recovery. You might start with:

• "I was manipulated; I'm not flawed"
• "My worth doesn't depend on being 'better than' anyone"
• "I deserve relationships without competition"

Rebuild Trust Gradually

Not everyone triangulates. Healthy relationships exist. With time and discernment, you can learn to trust again—including trusting your own perceptions, which the narcissist worked so hard to undermine.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Narcissist Triangulation

What is an example of triangulation by a narcissist?

A classic example is when a narcissist compares you to an ex-partner: "My ex never complained about my schedule." Another common example is the narcissist telling you what others supposedly said about you ("Your friend mentioned she thinks you've been selfish lately") to create conflict and isolation. In families, a narcissistic parent might constantly compare one child unfavorably to a sibling: "Why can't you be more like your brother?"

Why does a narcissist triangulate?

Narcissists triangulate primarily for two reasons: to gain narcissistic supply (attention and emotional reactions from multiple people), and to maintain control over their victims through manufactured insecurity. When you're constantly worried about being replaced or compared, you're more compliant and less likely to challenge the narcissist's behavior. Triangulation also prevents victims from forming alliances.

How do you deal with triangulation from a narcissist?

Key strategies include: refusing to participate in the competition, verifying information directly with third parties rather than accepting the narcissist's version, setting firm boundaries around comparisons, and maintaining your internal sense of self-worth independently of the narcissist's approval. In some cases, limiting contact or going no-contact may be necessary for your wellbeing.

What is triangulation with a narcissist parent?

Narcissistic parent triangulation often involves comparing children to siblings or peers in demeaning ways, creating "golden child" and "scapegoat" roles, using one child to communicate messages to another, and withdrawing direct communication while using siblings as proxies. Research shows 71% of adult children of narcissists have experienced this form of manipulation, and its effects can persist well into adulthood.

Is triangulation a form of emotional abuse?

Yes, triangulation is considered a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It's an intentional manipulation tactic designed to cause harm through manufactured competition, comparison, and isolation. The goal is to maintain power and control over victims while damaging their self-esteem and support relationships. It can lead to lasting psychological effects including anxiety, depression, and complex trauma.

Can triangulation happen at work?

Absolutely. Workplace narcissists may triangulate by creating unnecessary competition between colleagues, spreading gossip about what others "really think" of you, playing favorites to create jealousy and insecurity, or using managers and coworkers to deliver criticism indirectly. The tactics are similar to personal relationships, just applied in a professional context. Recognizing workplace gaslighting is an important part of protecting yourself professionally.

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Conclusion: Breaking Free From the Triangle

Triangulation is one of the narcissist's most effective weapons because it's designed to feel like your inadequacy rather than their manipulation. When you're constantly comparing yourself to others, desperately trying to win approval, you're exactly where the narcissist wants you—focused on the competition rather than questioning the competitor.

But here's the truth: healthy relationships don't have competition. You shouldn't have to prove you're "better than" anyone to earn love, respect, or basic consideration.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationships, you're already taking the first step toward freedom. Understanding triangulation for what it is—a deliberate manipulation tactic—begins to break its power over you.

You are not in competition with anyone for your own worth. That was always a lie.

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For more resources on healing from narcissistic abuse, explore our guides on the narcissist's playbook, recognizing covert narcissism, and breaking trauma bonds.