Hoovering: How Narcissists Try to Pull You Back In

Just when you thought you were finally free, your phone buzzes. It's them—and suddenly all that hard work on yourself feels threatened. Maybe it's an apology. Maybe it's a crisis. Maybe it's a text that seems innocent: "I just saw something that reminded me of us."

Your heart races. Part of you wants to respond. Maybe they've changed. Maybe you were too harsh. Maybe this time will be different.

Stop. Take a breath. What you're experiencing is called hoovering—and recognizing it is your first line of defense.

What Is Hoovering?

Hoovering is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner: a narcissist's attempt to "suck" you back into a relationship after you've tried to leave. It's a manipulation tactic, not a genuine expression of love or change.

After you leave a narcissist—or even just pull away—they often try to re-establish contact. This can look like:

• Sudden apologies or declarations of love
• Fake emergencies that require your help
• Nostalgia trips about your "special" past
• Claims they've changed or gotten therapy
• Threats or intimidation if nice tactics don't work

Hoovering is part of the narcissistic abuse cycle. After the idealization phase (love bombing), devaluation phase (criticism and abuse), and discard phase, hoovering often follows—especially if their new supply falls through or they simply get bored.

The key insight: Hoovering isn't about you. It's about them needing narcissistic supply—attention, admiration, or simply the power of knowing they can still affect you.

Why Do Narcissists Hoover?

Understanding why narcissists hoover helps you resist the temptation to believe it's genuine:

They Need Narcissistic Supply

Narcissists require constant external validation to maintain their fragile self-image. When you leave, you take your supply with you. Hoovering is their attempt to get it back.

Their Ego Is Injured

Being left wounds the narcissist's inflated self-image. Hoovering isn't about wanting you back—it's about proving they can still have you if they want.

It's About Control

Even if they don't want the relationship, they want to know they could have it. Your independence threatens their sense of power.

Their New Supply Isn't Working

Often, hoovering coincides with problems in their new relationship. When the new supply isn't meeting their needs, they return to proven sources.

They're Testing If You're Still an Option

Some hoovering is just a check-in: "Are they still vulnerable to me? Do I still have control here?"

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, "Hoovering has nothing to do with love. It's about control and supply."

10 Hoovering Tactics Narcissists Use

1. The Fake Apology

"I'm so sorry for everything. I've done a lot of thinking and I realize how wrong I was."

Sounds good, right? But notice what's missing: specific acknowledgment of what they did, understanding of how it affected you, and—most importantly—sustained behavior change.

Red flags: The apology comes quickly, focuses on getting you back rather than your healing, and isn't followed by changed behavior.

2. The Grand Romantic Gesture

Love bombing 2.0. Flowers at work. Long letters about your "special connection." Showing up with your favorite things. Grand declarations of undying love.

This taps into your memories of the idealization phase—when they made you feel like the center of the universe. They're banking on nostalgia overriding your recent painful memories.

Remember: They could do this before too. It always ended in devaluation.

3. The Emergency or Crisis

"I'm in the hospital." "My mom is dying." "I lost my job." "I'm having thoughts of hurting myself."

This triggers your caretaking instincts. It's hard to ignore someone in crisis—and they know that.

How to handle: If there's a genuine emergency, emergency services can handle it. If they're threatening self-harm, call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) on their behalf. You are not their only resource, and this is often manipulation.

4. The Nostalgia Trap

"Remember our trip to [special place]?" "I found our old photos." "I drove by where we first met."

This rewrites history, focusing only on good moments while erasing the pain. It's designed to make you doubt your decision to leave.

Counter this by: Keeping a list of why you left—specific incidents, specific patterns. Read it when nostalgia hits.

5. The Victim Play

"I can't function without you." "I'm depressed and you're the only one who understands." "No one will ever love me like you did."

This makes you feel responsible for their wellbeing and guilty for leaving. It's emotional hostage-taking.

Reality: They managed before you and they'll manage after you. Their emotional regulation is not your job.

6. The "Changed Person" Act

"I've been going to therapy." "I've found God." "I've read all these books about myself." "I'm a completely different person now."

Real change takes years of consistent work, not weeks or months. And real change doesn't require announcing it to get you back—it shows in sustained behavior.

Test for real change: Has there been at least a year of consistent different behavior observed by others? Have they taken full accountability without excuses? Are they respecting your no contact, or still trying to reach you?

7. The Third-Party Approach

When direct contact fails, they recruit others:

• Mutual friends who "just want you to be happy"
• Family members guilting you about giving them another chance
• Even your own children as messengers

This is called using flying monkeys.

Response: Tell allies not to relay messages. Be prepared for some people to take their side. Protect your information circles.

8. The "Accidental" Contact

"Oops, wrong number!" "I didn't know you'd be at this event!" Showing up at your gym, your coffee shop, your workplace. "Accidentally" bumping into you places.

There are no accidents. They've engineered proximity to force interaction.

Response: Don't engage. Leave if possible. Document stalking behavior if it continues.

9. The Threat or Intimidation

When nice tactics fail, some narcissists escalate:

• Threats to share embarrassing information
• Legal threats (custody, finances)
• Threats to harm themselves and blame you
• Property damage or financial sabotage

This is serious. If you feel unsafe, contact law enforcement and/or a domestic violence hotline.

10. The Silent Stalk

Not all hoovering is direct. Some narcissists hover at the edges:

• Watching all your social media stories
• Liking old photos to let you know they're watching
• Having mutual friends report on your activities
• Creating new accounts after being blocked

They want you to know they're watching. The goal is to stay in your head even without direct contact.

Signs It's Hoovering, Not Genuine Change

How do you distinguish manipulation from real growth? Look for these red flags:

The biggest tell: Someone genuinely working on themselves respects your boundaries. Hoovering, by definition, violates them.

How to Resist Hoovering

Maintain Strict No Contact

No contact means no contact—not "just one response," not "I'll just explain why I can't talk," not checking their social media "just to see."

Every response—even an angry one—is supply. It tells them they still affect you. Silence is the only message that works.

Block on All Platforms

Block phone, email, all social media. Block mutual friends who relay messages. Create new accounts if needed.

If you have children together, use a court-approved communication app that documents everything.

Tell Your Support Network

Let trusted friends and family know:

• That you're no contact
• Not to relay messages
• To warn you if the narcissist approaches them
• To support you when you feel weak

Reread Your "Why I Left" List

Write down specific incidents—not feelings, but facts. The time they did X. The pattern of Y. The way Z made you feel.

When hoovering hits, read this list. Nostalgia is a liar; your notes are not.

Remember: Feelings Aren't Facts

You may feel love, guilt, doubt, or longing when they contact you. These feelings are real but they're also trained responses from the trauma bond.

The feeling that you should respond doesn't mean responding is right.

Get Professional Support

A therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can help you:

• Process the grief of the relationship
• Build resistance to hoovering
• Heal the underlying wounds that made you vulnerable
• Develop healthier relationship patterns

Learn more about finding the right therapist for trauma bonding.

When Hoovering Involves Children or Shared Circumstances

If you share children or can't fully cut contact, you need modified strategies:

Parallel Parenting vs. Co-Parenting

Traditional co-parenting requires cooperation. With a narcissist, aim for parallel parenting:

• Minimal direct communication
• Separate parenting styles in separate homes
• Using parenting apps for documentation
• Disengaging from conflict

Use Communication Apps

Apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents:

• Document all communication
• Create court-admissible records
• Remove the emotional charge of direct texting
• Allow you to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively

Keep Exchanges Factual

BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

Example: "The children will be ready for pickup at 5 PM." Not: "I've already explained three times that we agreed on 5 PM, and I don't understand why you keep changing things..."

Recognize Child-Related Hoovering

Watch for:

• Using child exchanges to create drama or contact
• Trying to discuss "us" during kid-related communication
• Using children as messengers
• Creating fake emergencies about the children

Stick to facts. Document everything.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does hoovering last?

Hoovering can occur for months or even years after leaving a narcissist, often in cycles. It typically decreases over time if you consistently don't respond. Some narcissists give up quickly when they find new supply; others persist for years. The key is maintaining no response regardless of duration—every response resets the clock.

Does no contact stop hoovering?

Not always, but it removes the response they're seeking. Some narcissists will try harder initially when they can't reach you—this is called an "extinction burst." Stay consistent. Over time, most narcissists redirect their energy toward easier supply. However, remain vigilant, as hoovering can resurface during times when their other supply sources fail.

What if they've really changed?

Real change takes years of sustained therapeutic work and behavior change—not weeks or months of promises. Ask yourself: Has there been at least a year of consistent different behavior witnessed by multiple people? Have they taken full accountability without any blame-shifting? Are they respecting your no contact (real change would mean honoring your boundaries), or are they violating it to tell you they've changed?

The fact that they're hoovering instead of respecting your space is itself evidence that they haven't fundamentally changed.

Should I respond to tell them to stop?

No. Any response—even "leave me alone"—is supply. It tells them they can still get a reaction from you. It rewards the hoovering behavior. Silence is the only effective message. If you feel unsafe, involve law enforcement rather than responding yourself.

Protecting Your Recovery

Every time you resist hoovering, you strengthen your recovery. Every ignored text, every blocked attempt, every moment you choose yourself over the familiar pain—these are victories.

Hoovering is a test. Not of whether you loved them enough, but of whether you love yourself enough to protect what you're building.

Remember:

• Hoovering is about their needs, not your worth
• Silence isn't cruel—it's protection
• The feelings will pass; the freedom won't if you go back
• You've survived the worst part—don't go back to the beginning

They named it after a vacuum for a reason: it's designed to suck you back into a mess you already cleaned up. Don't let it.

Block them. Delete the message without reading it. Call your support person instead. Read your list. Go for a walk. Do anything except respond.

You got out. Stay out. You deserve the life you're building without them.