How to Handle Someone with Controlling Personality Traits
If someone shows controlling personality traits, you need to protect yourself first. Many people face this—63% of women say their partner has controlled them in some way. You can try these steps:
Speak up for your needs and say “no” when you must.
Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
Avoid power struggles and don’t let gaslighting confuse you.
Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for help.
Key Takeaways
Notice controlling traits by watching for things like always being criticized and being kept away from friends. Knowing about these signs helps you keep yourself safe.
Make clear rules and talk openly. Say what you need using 'I' statements, so you do not blame anyone. This lets you stay independent.
Get help from friends, family, or experts. Having people to support you makes it easier to deal with controlling actions.
Recognize Controlling Personality Traits
Common Signs
You might see controlling personality traits if someone always wants things their way. They may say things like, “It’s my way or the highway.” You could feel like your needs don’t matter to them. They want all the attention on themselves. Some controlling people criticize you a lot. This can make you question your choices. They might try to keep you away from friends and family. They want you to depend only on them. Sometimes, they blame you for problems and say, “It’s not me, it’s you.” These actions can make you feel guilty or worried. They may ignore your boundaries or use threats to get what they want.
Tip: If someone keeps track of your mistakes or says mean things and then says, “Just kidding,” that is a warning sign.
Manipulation Tactics
Controlling personality traits often show up in sneaky ways. Gaslighting is one of the worst tactics. When someone gaslights you, they make you doubt your memory or what is real. For example, they might say you said something you never did. They may deny things that really happened. This can make you feel confused and unsure about yourself. Controlling people also use guilt and emotional blackmail to get what they want. They may act in ways you can’t predict or stop showing affection to keep you off balance.
Impact on You
Living with controlling personality traits around you can hurt your mental health. You might feel worried, sad, or even worthless. Many people in these situations have low self-esteem and feel tired all the time. If you feel alone or start doubting yourself a lot, you should notice these signs. Controlling people can make you pull away from others and lose trust in your own choices.
Set Clear Boundaries with Controlling People
Setting boundaries is one of the most important things you can do when dealing with controlling people. If you don’t set boundaries, you might feel stressed, overwhelmed, or even lose your sense of self. You deserve to feel safe and respected in every relationship. Here’s how you can take back your power.
Communicate Directly
When you want to set boundaries, you need to be clear and direct. Don’t leave room for confusion. Use simple words and speak calmly. For example, you can say, “I need some time alone right now,” or “I don’t want to talk about that.” Using “I” statements helps you share your feelings without blaming the other person. Try saying, “I feel upset when you check my phone without asking.”
Tip: Stay calm and confident. If you get nervous, take a deep breath before you speak.
You should use assertive communication. This means you stand up for yourself without being mean or aggressive. When you use assertive communication, you show that your needs matter. It also helps you keep your independence and stops the other person from taking control. If someone tries to gaslight you—by making you doubt your own memory or feelings—repeat your boundary. For example, “I remember what happened, and I need you to respect my decision.”
Here are some ways to communicate your boundaries:
Use clear language: “I need to spend less time together for a while.”
Stay calm: “Let’s talk about this later when we’re both calm.”
Walk away if needed: “I said I didn’t want to talk about this. I’m leaving the room now.”
Avoid Power Struggles
Controlling people often want to win every argument. They may use gaslighting or other tricks to make you feel powerless. Don’t fall into their trap. You don’t have to prove you’re right or change their mind. Instead, keep your answers short and neutral. This is called the Grey Rock method. You act as boring as a grey rock, so the other person loses interest in trying to control you.
Some ways to avoid power struggles:
Give short answers: “Okay,” or “I see.”
Don’t react with strong emotions.
Change the subject or walk away if things get heated.
Note: The less you react, the less power they have over you.
If you keep calm and don’t argue, you protect your energy. You also show that you won’t play their games. This helps you stay in control of your own actions.
Don’t Enable Behavior
Sometimes, you might give in to keep the peace. But if you always say yes or let things slide, you teach the other person that their behavior is okay. This can make things worse over time. You need to set clear boundaries and stick to them, even if it feels hard.
Here’s what you can do:
Say no to unreasonable demands.
Don’t explain yourself too much. A simple “No, I can’t do that” is enough.
Limit how much personal information you share. The less they know, the less they can use against you.
Focus on your own well-being. Take breaks, talk to friends, and do things you enjoy.
If you don’t set boundaries, you might feel burned out, tired, or even get sick. Your relationships can suffer, and you might lose trust in yourself. Remember, you have the right to protect your space and your feelings.
Remember: You can’t change controlling people, but you can control how you respond.
Maintain Your Independence
If someone tries to control you, keep your independence. Protect your space and your choices. Take care of your feelings too. Focus on what you need. This helps you break free from controlling personality traits and gaslighting. Here are ways to stay strong and confident.
Self-Care Strategies
Taking care of yourself helps you stay independent. Build emotional strength with positive self-talk. Use mindfulness to handle stress. Try deep breathing or stretching when you feel tense. Play games or read books to keep your mind sharp. Try new activities to boost your confidence and decision-making.
Practice positive self-talk to build emotional strength.
Use mindfulness to handle stress. Take deep breaths or stretch.
Play games, read, or do creative hobbies to keep your mind active.
Join community programs to learn new skills and meet people.
Tip: If you feel overwhelmed, take a break. Do something fun. Even a short walk can help you feel better.
Self-care helps you keep your independence. You will feel less affected by controlling behaviors.
Limit Information Sharing
Controlling people may use gaslighting to twist your words. If you share too much, they get more power. Protect your privacy. Oversharing can make others uncomfortable. It can hurt your relationships. It can also put your safety at risk if someone uses your secrets against you.
Keep private details to yourself. Only share what feels safe.
Don’t post personal information online.
Think before you tell someone your plans or feelings.
Remember, sharing too much can make you feel exposed if someone misuses your trust.
If someone tries to use your words to control you, share less. You have the right to keep your life private.
Seek Support
You don’t have to deal with controlling personality traits alone. Build a support system to stay strong and independent. Friends, family, and trusted adults can help you. Talking to a counselor or therapist can make a big difference. They help you understand your rights and set healthy limits.
“Supporting autonomy does not mean letting people act irresponsibly or dangerously. It means helping people know where their rights end and others’ rights begin. Setting limits teaches people about rights and rules in society. It helps people learn to make good choices.”
Here are ways to get support:
Find people who listen and respect your choices.
Ask for real options when you need help.
Set limits with others to protect your independence.
Talk to a counselor for advice on tough situations.
Counselors give you a safe place to talk about your feelings. They teach you conflict resolution skills. They help you build healthier relationships. They guide you to replace harmful patterns with good ones.
When to Get Help
Sometimes, controlling behavior gets dangerous. Watch for warning signs. If you lose control over your money, time, or body, act quickly. If someone uses threats or violence, get help. Isolation from friends and family is a red flag. If you feel afraid, disrespected, or forced to do things, it’s time to get help.
Look for these warning signs:
Physical violence or threats
Insults or humiliation
Blame for things that aren’t your fault
Forced actions or broken promises to change
If you feel threatened, make a safety plan:
Spot warning signs.
Find ways to cope when you feel unsafe.
Know which people and places can help you.
Make a list of people to call for help.
Write down professionals or agencies to contact in a crisis.
Think about how to make your environment safer.
Laws protect people facing abuse. Many states include coercive control in their laws. You can ask for protective orders if someone threatens you or damages your property. If children are involved, courts may look at controlling behavior when making custody decisions.
If you feel stuck or unsafe, reach out to a mental health professional. They help you understand your situation and guide you to positive changes. You deserve to feel safe and respected.
You can deal with controlling personality traits and gaslighting by doing these things:
Notice the signs and use “I” statements to speak up.
Make clear boundaries and try to stay calm.
Think about what you need and keep your independence.
Ask for help if you need it, like from Anchor Therapy.
Benefit | Description |
|---|---|
Boundaries help keep you safe and confident. |
FAQ
How do you know if you need a safety plan?
If you feel scared, controlled, or notice gaslighting, you need a safety plan. Trust your gut. A safety plan keeps you ready for emergencies.
What should you include in a safety plan?
A good safety plan lists safe places, emergency contacts, and steps to leave quickly. Write down important numbers. Keep your safety plan somewhere private.
Can a safety plan help when dealing with controlling people?
Yes! A safety plan helps you stay safe when dealing with a controlling person. It gives you steps to follow if things get worse or if gaslighting happens.