Gaslighting in Friendships: Signs You Might Be Ignoring

Have you ever started to question your memory or say sorry a lot around a friend? You are not the only one.

• About 20% of people go through emotional abuse in friendships.

• Almost 60% of toxic friendships have friendship gaslighting.

If any of these sound like your friendship, trust yourself. These actions can be hard to notice, but you should be treated with respect and honesty.

Key Takeaways

• Notice the signs of gaslighting in friendships, like denial, blame-shifting, and manipulation. Trust how you feel and know that good friends should make you feel better.

• Make clear rules to keep yourself safe from bad behaviors. Tell your friends what you need and want so everyone respects each other.

• Ask for help from people you trust or other resources if you feel confused or hurt. Talking about what happened can help you understand things and feel stronger.

What Is Friendship Gaslighting

Definition

Some people think gaslighting only happens in dating. But it can happen with friends, too. Friendship gaslighting is when a friend makes you doubt yourself. You might start to question your own thoughts or memories. This can make you feel mixed up or unsure about what is real. Sometimes, you do not see it until you leave the friendship.

Gaslighting can happen in any kind of relationship. It is not just something that happens in dating. You might see gaslighting in a bad friendship or from someone in charge. Most people do not see how bad it is until they leave.

Gaslighting is common in dating, but friends do it, too. Some friends gaslight to look better or keep people close, even if it is not healthy. A friend who gaslights might start rumors and then say they did not. They might put down your wins and talk up their own.

You might see your friend start rumors or say they never said something. They might make you feel unimportant. These are all signs of friendship gaslighting.

Friendship vs. Romantic Gaslighting

You might wonder if gaslighting feels the same with friends as it does in dating. There are some big differences. Look at the table below:

Friendship gaslighting often uses gossip or tricks to make you feel left out. Romantic gaslighting feels more personal because you are closer. Both can hurt, but they are not the same.

Friendship Gaslighting Signs

Denial and Minimization

You might notice your friend denies things you remember clearly. They may say, "That never happened," or "You're making a big deal out of nothing." This can leave you feeling confused and unsure about your own memory. Sometimes, your friend will brush off your feelings, telling you that you are overreacting or that your emotions do not matter.

• A friend might say, "It's not a big deal," when you share something that hurt you.

• They could tell you, "You always take things too seriously," making you question your reactions.

When someone keeps minimizing your feelings, you start to doubt yourself. You may even stop sharing your thoughts because you feel unheard.

Twisting Facts

Twisting facts is a common part of friendship gaslighting. Your friend may change details of a story or event to make themselves look better or to make you look bad. They might say, "I would never hurt you on purpose," even after doing something that upset you. Sometimes, they rewrite history, making you question what really happened.

• Your friend might deny any wrongdoing, saying, "You're too dramatic," or "Calm down."

• They may use kind words to avoid blame, like, "I care about you, so I wouldn't do that."

• You might hear, "Oh, that's not how it happened," even when you remember it clearly.

This behavior can make you feel lost and unsure about your own thoughts. Over time, you may start to doubt your memory and feel anxious about speaking up.

Twisting facts can leave you feeling drained and confused. You might struggle to make decisions because you no longer trust your own judgment.

Guilt and Victim Playing

Some friends use guilt to control you. They might act like the victim, even when they are the one causing harm. For example, if you try to talk about your feelings, they may say, "I can't believe you think I'm a bad friend," or "Everyone is against me." This can make you feel responsible for their emotions.

• A friend could suggest that others are talking about you, making you feel isolated.

• They may blame you for problems in the friendship, even when it is not your fault.

This kind of manipulation can lead to shame and self-doubt. You might start to believe you are always in the wrong, which can hurt your self-esteem.

Repeated guilt manipulation can make you feel powerless. It can even lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness.

Sarcasm and Disguised Compliments

Sarcasm and disguised compliments are sneaky ways friends can gaslight you. These comments sound nice at first, but they actually hurt your feelings. For example:

• "I like your dress, it almost fits you."

• "You did a great job, considering how inexperienced you are."

• "Congratulations on your win! Maybe next time you'll try a real sport."

Sarcastic remarks can also make you question your feelings:

• "Can't you take a joke?"

• "You're too sensitive."

• "I was just being sarcastic, lighten up."

These comments can make you feel confused and unsure about how to respond. You may start to wonder if you are too sensitive or if you misunderstood the situation.

Sarcasm and disguised compliments can make you doubt your own experiences. Over time, you may rely on your friend to tell you what is real, which gives them more control.

Gossip and Alienation

Gossip is another tool used in friendship gaslighting. Your friend might spread rumors or share secrets to gain power in the group. They may tell you that others have said bad things about you, even if it is not true. This can make you feel alone and cut off from your support system.

• Your friend could say, "Everyone thinks you're too sensitive," or "People are talking about you behind your back."

• They might keep secrets or share private information to make you look bad.

This behavior creates divisions in your friend group. You may feel like you cannot trust anyone, which makes it easier for the gaslighter to control you.

Gossip and alienation can leave you feeling isolated. You might pull away from other friends, believing the lies you have been told.

Boundary Violations

Boundary violations happen when your friend ignores your limits or personal space. They might dismiss your feelings, turn everything into a competition, or twist events to make you look bad. Sometimes, they only support you when it benefits them.

• A friend may say you are overreacting when you set a boundary.

• They could overshadow your achievements or criticize your plans out of jealousy.

• They might listen to your problems just to gossip about them later.

"It caused me to doubt my own experiences, throwing me emotionally and psychologically off balance. It felt as though my self-esteem, confidence and independence had withered under the flame of gaslighting. I felt violated. My mental and emotional boundaries were violated, as he overstepped an already established boundary. Boundary violations are very difficult to negotiate or rationalise because they often involve a loss of respect and trust."

Repeated boundary violations can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and a loss of self-worth. You may feel confused about your identity and unsure about what you want or need.

If you notice these signs in your friendships, you might be experiencing friendship gaslighting. Trust your feelings and remember that healthy friendships should make you feel safe and respected.

Why Friends Gaslight

Insecurity

Sometimes, a friend might gaslight you because they feel insecure. They may worry about losing you or feel unsure about themselves. When someone feels this way, they might try to control how you see things. Research shows that separation insecurity, along with traits like irresponsibility and distractibility, can lead people to act in manipulative ways. If your friend feels vulnerable, they may use gaslighting to protect themselves from feeling weak or left out. You might notice them acting jealous or needing constant reassurance.

Control

Some friends want to feel in charge. They use gaslighting to keep control over you and the friendship. Here are a few ways this can show up:

• Downplaying your achievements so you feel less confident about yourself.

• Spreading gossip to change how others see you, which can make you feel alone.

• Deflecting blame so you start to doubt your own memories.

When a friend acts this way, you might feel like you can’t trust your own thoughts. You may even start to rely on them to tell you what is true.

Learned Behavior

Gaslighting can also come from what someone learned growing up. If a person saw this behavior in their family or past relationships, they might repeat it without realizing. Some things that can lead to this include:

• Early attachment bonds shape how you see yourself and others.

• Inconsistent or neglectful caregiving can make you more likely to accept or use gaslighting.

• If someone grew up needing others for validation, they may keep looking for that in their friendships.

You don’t have to accept these behaviors. Noticing them is the first step to protecting yourself.

What To Do

Trust Yourself

You might feel confused or doubt your own memories. That’s normal when someone tries to twist your reality. Try these simple ways to trust yourself again:

You can also write down your strengths or read your journal when you feel unsure. These steps remind you that your feelings matter.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries keeps you safe. Here’s how you can do it:

1. Set clear expectations. Tell your friend what is okay and what is not.

2. Make a safety plan. Know who you can call or where you can go if things get tough.

3. Use kind words. Say what you need without starting a fight.

4. Listen to your friend, but remember your needs come first.

5. Stay close to people who support you.

Boundaries show others how you want to be treated. You deserve respect.

Seek Support

You do not have to handle this alone. Reach out to people you trust. Talking to family or friends can help you see things more clearly. Support groups and resources like Emotional Abuse, Love Is Respect, and My Plan App can also help. Sharing your story can make you feel less alone and boost your confidence.

End Toxic Friendships

Sometimes, the best choice is to walk away. Here are steps you can take:

1. Notice the friendship is hurting you.

2. Tell your friend your limits.

3. Spend less time with them.

4. Ask others for help.

5. Be clear when you decide to end it.

You might feel sad, guilty, or unsure. That’s normal. Remember, you are not at fault. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing.

You deserve friendships that lift you up. If you spot gaslighting, trust your feelings and take action:

1. Talk about your feelings.

2. Set clear boundaries.

3. Leave if you need to.

• Keep notes about what happens.

• Listen to your gut.

• Try journaling or hobbies.

You are not alone. Help is always available.

FAQ

How do I know if my friend is gaslighting me?

You might notice you feel confused, doubt your memory, or apologize a lot. Trust your feelings. Healthy friends make you feel safe, not anxious.

Can gaslighting happen by accident?

Yes, sometimes people do not realize they are gaslighting. If you feel hurt or confused, talk to your friend about it. Your feelings matter.

What should I do if I think I am being gaslighted?

Write down what happens. Talk to someone you trust. Set clear boundaries. If things do not get better, consider stepping back from the friendship.