Controlling Husband Signs: The Demand Man and His 'Regal Expectations'

Do you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate your partner's needs before he even voices them? Does it feel like no matter how much you give, it's never enough – and when you fall short of his expectations, you pay the price through his anger, coldness, or contempt?

If these controlling husband signs sound familiar, you may be living with what relationship expert Lundy Bancroft calls "The Demand Man" – a partner whose deep sense of entitlement leads him to treat the household like his personal kingdom, with everyone else existing to serve his needs.

In this guide, we'll explore the Demand Man pattern, help you recognize the warning signs, and provide resources for protecting yourself.

What Is a Demand Man?

The term "Demand Man" comes from Lundy Bancroft's groundbreaking book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. After decades of working with abusive men, Bancroft identified several distinct personality profiles – and the Demand Man is one of the most common.

"The Demand Man is highly entitled. He expects his partner to meet his needs without effort on his part. He may not even believe in reciprocating. His needs are so important that they cancel out yours." – Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?

At his core, the Demand Man operates from an unshakable belief: his needs are paramount, and everyone else exists to serve them. He views himself as deserving of royal treatment – not because of what he does or contributes, but simply because of who he is.

This isn't about occasional selfishness that everyone exhibits from time to time. The Demand Man's entitlement is a consistent pattern that shapes every interaction in the relationship. He genuinely believes the rules that apply to others don't apply to him.

10 Controlling Husband Signs: The Demand Man Pattern

How do you know if you're dealing with a Demand Man? Here are the key warning signs:

1. An Unshakable Sense of Entitlement

The Demand Man's most defining characteristic is his deep-seated belief that he deserves special treatment. He expects his needs to be anticipated and met – without effort on his part and without consideration for your own needs.

He considers himself the master of the home, entitled to be treated like a prince. Even if he contributes little to the household, he still feels he should be catered to. Your time, energy, and resources exist to serve him. This craving for constant attention is similar to what experts call narcissistic supply – an insatiable need for admiration and service.

2. Rules Don't Apply to Him

The Demand Man operates by a glaring double standard. He can yell, but you must remain calm. He can forget things, but you must remember everything. He can have bad days, but you must always be pleasant and accommodating.

When you point out this inconsistency, he'll justify it – or simply dismiss your concerns as "nagging" or "being difficult."

3. Unreasonable Expectations Are Standard

His expectations aren't just high – they're impossible. He expects:

• Immediate responses to his requests
• Constant availability, regardless of your own schedule
• Perfection in household tasks, parenting, or your appearance
• Anticipation of his needs before he voices them
• Cheerful compliance without complaint

When you inevitably fall short of these unreachable standards, he uses it as evidence that you are the problem. This may trigger cognitive distortions where you begin doubting your own competence.

4. A One-Way Relationship

The Demand Man takes but rarely gives. He expects you to:

• Listen to his problems (but dismisses yours)
• Support his goals (while ignoring your dreams)
• Accommodate his preferences (but ridicules your interests)
• Sacrifice for the family (while he prioritizes himself)

When you express your own needs, he perceives you as selfish. In his worldview, your role is to give – his role is to receive. Learning about setting healthy boundaries becomes essential when dealing with this dynamic.

5. Devalues Your Contributions

No matter how much you do, the Demand Man keeps a mental ledger that's heavily weighted in his favor. He minimizes your labor: housework is "easy," childcare is "not real work," your job is "less demanding" than his.

He forgets your sacrifices while cataloging every minor inconvenience you've caused him. When you remind him of what you've done, he dismisses it or finds flaws in your efforts.

6. Enraged by Inconvenience

The Demand Man becomes disproportionately angry when his routine or comfort is disrupted. Small inconveniences – dinner being late, a canceled plan, or a child's needs interrupting him – trigger rage that seems wildly out of proportion.

His reaction isn't about the situation itself; it's about the offense of his expectations going unmet. How dare reality inconvenience him?

7. Sexual Coercion and Pressure

The Demand Man often views his partner's body as existing for his pleasure. He pressures for sex regardless of whether you're sick, exhausted, stressed, or simply not in the mood. Those are "your problems" – not his concern.

He may use guilt, anger, or withdrawal to punish you for saying no. He keeps track of how long it's been since you've been intimate and brings it up accusingly. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, sexual coercion is a form of abuse.

8. Sabotages Special Occasions

Holidays, birthdays, family gatherings – events that should be joyful – often become disasters when the Demand Man doesn't receive the attention he feels entitled to.

He may:

• Pick fights before or during celebrations
• Sulk when the focus is on someone else
• Create crises that derail the event
• Criticize your efforts to make occasions special
• Refuse to participate unless things go his way

Over time, you may dread celebrations because you know they'll end badly.

9. Punishes with Displeasure

When the Demand Man doesn't get his way, he punishes you – not through direct confrontation, but through his displeasure. This might look like:

• Silent treatment lasting hours or days
• Cold, dismissive responses
• Contemptuous sighs and eye-rolls
• Withdrawal of affection or help
• An atmosphere of tension that affects everyone

You learn to avoid triggering his displeasure at all costs, which means increasingly abandoning your own needs. When he does offer an apology, it's often a fake apology designed to manipulate rather than genuine remorse.

10. Plays the Victim

Perhaps the most maddening trait: despite receiving far more than he gives, the Demand Man genuinely feels mistreated. When you can't meet an expectation, he acts as if a grave injustice has occurred.

He's the victim of your "selfishness," your "nagging," your failure to understand his needs. He ignores the mountain of accommodations you've made while fixating on the one time you couldn't deliver.

Why the Demand Man Behaves This Way

Understanding why doesn't excuse the behavior, but it can help you recognize that this is about him, not you.

The Demand Man's behavior stems from entitlement – a deeply held belief system that positions him as deserving and you as owing. As Bancroft explains, abuse is fundamentally about beliefs and values, not anger management problems or past trauma.

One telling sign: his rage is selective. The Demand Man typically controls himself perfectly at work, with friends, or with anyone who has power over him. He chooses when and where to unleash his anger – and he chooses to do it at home, with you. This is similar to the gaslighting dynamics seen in workplace settings – the abuser is strategic about who they target.

This selectivity proves his behavior is a choice, not an uncontrollable impulse.

The Impact on Partners and Families

Living with a Demand Man takes an enormous toll:

• Walking on eggshells: You're constantly monitoring his mood, trying to prevent explosions
• Self-doubt: You begin questioning your own perceptions and wondering if you really are too demanding – these are early signs of gaslighting
• Exhaustion: Trying to meet impossible standards leaves you drained
• Isolation: You may pull away from friends and family who don't understand
• Hypervigilance: You're always on alert, anticipating his needs and reactions

Children in these households also suffer. They learn that relationships are about one person's needs dominating, and they may carry these patterns into their own adult relationships.

Over time, some partners develop what's known as trauma bonding – a psychological attachment to the abuser that makes leaving feel impossible even when you know the relationship is harmful.

Can a Demand Man Change?

This is the question partners most often ask – and the answer requires honesty.

Change is theoretically possible, but it's rare. Here's why:

For the Demand Man to change, he must:

1. Recognize his entitlement as the problem (not your behavior)
2. Take full responsibility without minimizing or blaming
3. Willingly give up power and privilege he currently enjoys
4. Commit to long-term work with appropriate accountability

Most Demand Men resist all of these steps. Why would he give up a system that works for him?

Bancroft is clear: partners cannot love, support, or help a Demand Man into changing. Change requires him to do the internal work – and that only happens when he faces real consequences for his behavior.

Couples therapy is generally not recommended when abuse is present, as it can actually make things worse by giving him more ammunition to use against you. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence advises seeking individual support rather than couples counseling in these situations.

Protecting Yourself: Next Steps

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, here are steps to consider:

Trust your perception. If something feels wrong, it is. You're not "too sensitive" or "overreacting."

Document patterns. Keep a private record of incidents. This helps you see the pattern clearly and can be important if you need evidence later.

Build your support network. Reconnect with trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands coercive control.

Learn protective strategies. The Gray Rock Method can help you minimize conflict while you plan your next steps.

Educate yourself. Read Bancroft's book and other resources on controlling relationships. Knowledge is power.

Consider safety planning. If you're thinking about leaving, work with a domestic violence advocate to create a safety plan. Leaving can be the most dangerous time.

Access resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• TheHotline.org for online chat
• Local domestic violence organizations

You deserve a relationship based on mutual respect, not one where you exist to serve someone else's bottomless needs.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a Demand Man in relationships?

A Demand Man is a term from Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? describing a partner who operates from deep entitlement, expecting to be served and catered to without reciprocation, and becoming angry or punishing when expectations aren't met.

What are the main signs of a controlling husband?

Key signs include: expecting special treatment without earning it, applying double standards, becoming enraged when inconvenienced, devaluing your contributions, pressuring for sex, punishing through withdrawal, and playing the victim when denied.

Can a Demand Man change his behavior?

Change is possible but rare. It requires him to recognize his entitlement as the problem, take full responsibility, and willingly give up power and privilege – something most Demand Men resist because the current arrangement benefits them.

Is being a Demand Man the same as being a narcissist?

While there's overlap in entitlement and self-focus, Bancroft focuses on abusive behavior patterns rather than clinical diagnosis. A Demand Man may or may not meet criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the controlling behavior is harmful regardless of label.

How do I respond to a Demand Man's unreasonable expectations?

Focus on your own safety first. You cannot meet his expectations because they're designed to be unachievable – that's how he maintains control. Consider seeking support from a domestic violence advocate or therapist who understands coercive control.

Conclusion

Recognizing controlling husband signs – particularly the Demand Man pattern – is the first step toward understanding what you're dealing with. This isn't about occasional selfishness or stress; it's a consistent pattern of entitlement that places his needs above everyone else's.

If you see these patterns in your relationship, know this: you are not the problem. His behavior is a choice, rooted in beliefs about what he deserves and how you should serve him. No amount of trying harder on your part will change that.

You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, where both partners' needs matter. If that's not what you have, support and resources are available to help you figure out your next steps.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit TheHotline.org.

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