The DARVO Playbook: How Abusers Deny, Attack, and Flip the Script

You confronted them about their behavior. You had proof. You knew what you saw, what you heard, what you experienced. And yet, somehow, by the end of the conversation, you were the one apologizing. You were questioning your own memory. You were the villain in the story.

If this sounds familiar, you've likely encountered DARVO—one of the most insidious manipulation tactics used by abusers to escape accountability. Research shows that 72% of perpetrators use this exact playbook when confronted about their behavior. And if you don't know what's happening, it works devastatingly well.

This article will decode the DARVO playbook—the three-stage strategy abusers use to flip the script—so you can recognize it, protect yourself, and trust your own reality again.

What Is DARVO? The Acronym That Explains Everything

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. The term was coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a renowned psychologist and Professor Emerit of Psychology at the University of Oregon, best known for her groundbreaking work on betrayal trauma.

In her 1997 research published in Feminism & Psychology, Dr. Freyd conceptualized the DARVO model to explain the predictable response pattern of abusers when they are confronted about their harmful behavior.

Here's the critical thing to understand: DARVO is not an accident. It's a perpetrator strategy—a deliberate pattern designed to dodge accountability by shifting blame onto the person who dared to speak up.

The three stages work together like a well-rehearsed script:

1. D - Deny: Claim the abuse never happened
2. A - Attack: Go after the victim's credibility
3. RVO - Reverse Victim and Offender: Claim to be the real victim

Let's break down each stage so you can recognize them when they happen.

D Is for Deny: "That Never Happened"

The first line of defense for any abuser is denial. Pure, unadulterated gaslighting. The perpetrator flatly denies that the abuse ever occurred, making you question whether your memory can be trusted.

This stage sounds like:

• "That didn't happen."
• "Who are you going to believe—you with the bad memory, or me with the good one?"
• "I never said that."
• "You're making things up."
• "We never talked about that."

The Deny phase serves a dual purpose. First, it puts you on the defensive immediately—suddenly you're not discussing their behavior, you're defending your perception of reality. Second, if done repeatedly over time, it erodes your confidence in your own memory and judgment.

In relationships, denial might sound like your partner insisting they never made a promise they clearly made, or claiming an argument that left you in tears "never happened."

In the workplace, it might be your boss denying they ever agreed to a raise, or a colleague insisting they never received the email you have proof of sending.

The Deny phase is essentially gaslighting—a form of psychological manipulation that makes victims doubt their own reality. And it's just the first stage of the DARVO playbook.

A Is for Attack: "You're the Problem"

When denial fails—perhaps because you have evidence, witnesses, or simply refuse to back down—the abuser shifts to Stage 2: Attack.

Instead of addressing the actual issue, they attack you. Your character. Your credibility. Your sanity. The goal is to put you so firmly on the defensive that the original issue gets buried.

Common attack tactics include:

• "You can't handle the truth!"
• "You're just not open to people's opinions."
• "You're crazy."
• "You're too sensitive."
• "You're being paranoid."
• "Everyone thinks you're overreacting."

The attacks can be overt—direct insults and accusations. Or they can be covert—subtle undermining that leaves you questioning yourself. Some abusers attack by proxy, turning friends or family against you. Others threaten legal action to intimidate you into silence.

The purpose of the Attack phase is clear: put the confronter on the defensive. If you're busy defending your sanity, your memory, or your reputation, you're not holding them accountable for what they actually did.

Notice how the conversation has shifted. You came to address their behavior. Now you're defending your own mental stability. That's not an accident—that's the playbook working exactly as designed.

RVO: Reverse Victim and Offender

The final stage of DARVO is the masterstroke: the complete reversal of victim and offender roles. The perpetrator claims that they are the real victim, and you are actually the abuser.

Dr. Freyd describes this phenomenon: "Figure and ground are completely reversed... the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense."

This stage often includes victim blaming—suggesting that the true victim somehow caused or deserved the abuse:

• "I'm sorry I cheated, but if you were a better partner, I wouldn't have looked for affection elsewhere."
• "You made me do this."
• "Look what you made me do."
• "I'm the real victim here."
• "You're trying to destroy me."
• "She seduced me into it."

The Reverse phase is perhaps the most disorienting because it takes your legitimate grievance and weaponizes it against you. You came forward with a real concern about real harm, and now you're being cast as the aggressor.

This role reversal is incredibly effective at silencing victims. Who wants to be seen as an abuser? Who wants to cause more conflict? Many victims at this point simply give up, apologize, and try to make peace—which is exactly what the perpetrator wanted all along.

The Research: Why DARVO Works (72% of Abusers Use It)

DARVO isn't just a theory—it's been extensively studied, and the research findings are sobering.

Prevalence: A 2017 study by Harsey, Zurbriggen, and Freyd found that 72% of perpetrators use DARVO tactics during confrontations. Women faced higher exposure to these tactics than men.

Impact on survivors: A 2022 study found that almost half (49%) of 89 women who experienced sexual assault in college encountered DARVO tactics when they had further contact with their abuser.

Why it works on observers: Research by Harsey and Freyd (2020) found that when participants were exposed to DARVO:

• Victims were perceived as less believable
• Victims were rated as more responsible for the violence
• Victims were perceived as more abusive themselves
• Perpetrators were judged as less abusive and less responsible

Perhaps most troubling, a 2024 study found that DARVO usage strongly correlates with acceptance of rape myths and sexual harassment perpetration.

But here's the hopeful finding: Knowledge is protection. Research consistently shows that when people are educated about DARVO, they're less likely to be manipulated by it. Simply knowing this playbook exists makes it less effective.

DARVO in Action: Real-World Examples

Let's see how the complete DARVO sequence plays out in different contexts.

In an Intimate Relationship

Scenario: You discover your partner has been messaging their ex inappropriately.

Deny: "I don't know what you're talking about. Those messages don't mean what you think they mean."

Attack: "You're so insecure. You're always snooping through my phone. Maybe the problem is that you don't trust anyone."

Reverse: "I can't believe you're attacking me like this. I'm the one being violated here—you went through my private messages. How am I supposed to trust you after this?"

In the Workplace

Scenario: Your boss promised you a promotion that never materialized.

Deny: "I never promised anything. I said we'd discuss it, which we did."

Attack: "You know, maybe the reason you didn't get promoted is this entitled attitude. You expect things handed to you."

Reverse: "I've done nothing but support your career, and this is how you repay me? I feel really betrayed right now."

In Family Dynamics

Scenario: You confront a narcissistic parent about dismissing your childhood feelings.

Deny: "I have no idea what you're talking about. I was a wonderful parent. You had everything."

Attack: "You've always been so dramatic. Your sister never had these problems. Maybe you need therapy for these delusions."

Reverse: "After everything I sacrificed for you, this is how you treat me? I'm the victim here. You're the one being cruel."

In each case, notice how the original issue—the inappropriate messages, the broken promise, the childhood neglect—gets completely buried under the DARVO avalanche.

How to Respond to DARVO: Protecting Yourself

The most powerful defense against DARVO is recognizing it. Once you can name what's happening, the tactic loses much of its power.

1. Trust Your Reality

If you experienced something, it happened. Keep records when possible—save messages, document incidents, note dates and times. Your memory is not the problem.

2. Name It (At Least to Yourself)

When you feel the conversation shifting, mentally label each stage. "That's Deny. Now comes Attack. There's the Reverse." Even if you don't say it aloud, recognition breaks the spell.

3. Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

DARVO works by getting you to defend yourself. The more you explain, the more ammunition you provide. State your truth once and resist the urge to keep defending it.

4. Build Your Support Network

Surround yourself with people who understand DARVO and believe you. A trusted friend, family member, or therapist who specializes in trauma bonding can help you reality-check when the gaslighting gets intense.

5. Set Boundaries

You don't have to engage with every attack. "I'm not going to discuss this when you're calling me crazy" is a complete sentence. Walk away if needed. Learn more about setting boundaries with a narcissist.

6. Consider Professional Support

A therapist experienced with emotional abuse can help you rebuild trust in yourself and develop strategies for managing these interactions—or planning your exit.

7. Know When to Disengage

You cannot reason someone out of using DARVO. If they're committed to this playbook, your best option may be limiting contact or ending the relationship entirely. For some, this means implementing no contact with the narcissist. Your peace matters more than winning an argument with someone who won't argue in good faith.

DARVO and Narcissists: A Common Connection

DARVO is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. While not every person who uses DARVO has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the tactic fits perfectly with narcissistic patterns.

Narcissists have an insatiable need for validation and an extremely fragile ego beneath their grandiose exterior. When confronted, admitting fault would threaten their entire self-image. DARVO protects them from that intolerable reality.

DARVO also connects to other narcissistic manipulation tactics:

• Gaslighting: The Deny phase is textbook gaslighting
• Projection: The Attack phase often involves projecting their own behaviors onto you
• Playing the victim: The Reverse phase is classic victim mentality

Understanding the narcissist's playbook and cycle of abuse helps you recognize these patterns. If you recognize DARVO as a pattern in a relationship—not a one-time defensive reaction, but a consistent playbook—you may be dealing with a narcissistic individual.

Other manipulation tactics narcissists commonly use include hoovering (drawing you back in after you've tried to leave), word salad (confusing conversations designed to disorient you), and flying monkeys (recruiting others to do their bidding).

If you're experiencing these patterns repeatedly, you may be in a trauma bond—a powerful emotional attachment that forms through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement.

You Deserve the Truth

If you've experienced DARVO, please hear this: It's not your fault. The confusion, the self-doubt, the feeling of going crazy—that's not a reflection of reality. That's the predictable outcome of a manipulation tactic designed to make you feel exactly that way.

Knowledge protects you. Now that you understand the playbook, DARVO loses its power. You can recognize Deny when it starts. You can see Attack coming. You can refuse to accept the Reverse.

Trust your experiences. Document what happens. Build your support network. And remember: you don't have to convince someone who's committed to misunderstanding you.

If you're struggling with the effects of emotional abuse or gaslighting, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in these issues. You deserve support, validation, and a path forward.

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Resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• Dr. Jennifer Freyd's DARVO research

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