Covert Narcissist Test: 20 Signs to Identify Hidden Narcissism

They never raise their voice. They're often described as "sensitive" or "misunderstood." They might even seem shy or self-deprecating. Yet somehow, you feel constantly drained, confused, and questioning your own perception of reality when you're around them.

Unlike their grandiose counterparts who demand attention openly, covert narcissists operate in the shadows. They manipulate through subtle put-downs, victim-playing, and passive-aggressive behavior that leaves you wondering if you're the problem. This makes identifying covert narcissism particularly challenging—and why having a structured assessment is essential.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, clinical psychologist and narcissism expert, explains: "Covert narcissists are masters of disguise. They appear vulnerable and wounded, which makes their manipulation even more insidious because you feel like you're the one being cruel when you set boundaries."

This comprehensive covert narcissist test will help you identify the subtle patterns that distinguish covert narcissism from genuine sensitivity or introversion. Whether you're assessing your own behaviors or evaluating someone in your life, these 20 evidence-based signs provide clarity in what often feels like an emotional fog.

Understanding Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable narcissism, is a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder characterized by an internalized sense of grandiosity masked by outward humility, hypersensitivity, and defensiveness. While grandiose narcissists openly demand admiration, covert narcissists achieve the same goal through indirect means: martyrdom, passive-aggression, and subtle manipulation.

Key characteristics that differentiate covert narcissists:

• Surface humility, internal superiority: They present as modest while harboring beliefs that they're uniquely misunderstood or more insightful than others
• Chronic victimhood: Life always happens to them, and others are constantly failing to appreciate or support them adequately
• Indirect aggression: Rather than overt anger, they use silent treatments, subtle digs, and emotional withdrawal to punish
• Hypersensitivity to criticism: Even gentle feedback triggers disproportionate reactions or days of sulking
• Envy masked as concern: They undermine others' achievements through concern-trolling or highlighting potential negatives

The covert narcissist often appears fragile, wounded, or anxious—which activates the caregiving instincts of empathetic people. This dynamic creates relationships where one person constantly tries to prove their love, worth, or loyalty while walking on eggshells to avoid triggering the narcissist's sensitivities. Over time, this pattern can lead to gaslighting and severe erosion of self-trust.

Understanding these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from their influence, whether you recognize them in yourself or someone close to you.

The 20-Point Covert Narcissist Test

This assessment is designed to identify patterns of covert narcissistic behavior. Answer each question honestly with YES or NO based on consistent patterns over time, not isolated incidents. For self-assessment, consider whether these describe your typical responses. For assessing others, evaluate their regular behavior patterns.

Emotional Patterns (Questions 1-5)

1. Do you/they frequently feel unappreciated or taken for granted despite others' efforts to show appreciation?

Covert narcissists maintain a chronic sense that others don't recognize their sacrifices or uniqueness. Even when appreciation is expressed, it's never enough or "in the right way." This creates an insatiable need for validation while simultaneously dismissing the validation received.

Example: "I thanked them for helping, but they brought up three other things I didn't thank them for from last month."

2. Do you/they become withdrawn, cold, or give silent treatment when feeling hurt rather than discussing issues directly?

The silent treatment is a preferred weapon because it punishes without requiring direct confrontation. This passive-aggressive tactic puts the emotional burden on the other person to figure out what's wrong, apologize, and work to restore connection—all while the covert narcissist maintains a position of wounded innocence.

Example: "They stopped responding to my texts for three days because I forgot to call them back immediately."

3. Do you/they feel secretly superior to most people, even while appearing humble outwardly?

This internal contradiction is a hallmark of covert narcissism. They may present as self-deprecating or modest, but internally harbor beliefs like "Most people are shallow, but I see deeper truths" or "I'm more emotionally intelligent than others realize." This hidden grandiosity fuels resentment when they don't receive the recognition they believe they deserve.

Example: "They're always saying they're 'just trying their best,' but then criticize how everyone else does things."

4. Do you/they experience intense envy when others succeed, sometimes disguised as concern or critical analysis?

Rather than openly expressing jealousy, covert narcissists undermine others' achievements through concern-trolling: "That promotion sounds stressful—are you sure you can handle it?" or finding flaws: "The award is nice, but did you see who else won? The bar wasn't very high." This allows them to diminish others while maintaining a caring facade.

Example: "When I got engaged, they immediately started pointing out divorce statistics."

5. Do you/they struggle with genuine empathy, often responding to others' pain by making it about your/their own experiences?

When someone shares a problem, the covert narcissist quickly redirects the conversation to their own similar (often "worse") experience. They struggle to sit with someone else's emotions without centering themselves, which leaves others feeling unheard and invalidated.

Example: "I told them about my health scare, and within two minutes they were talking about their own medical issues for the next 20 minutes."

Communication Patterns (Questions 6-10)

6. Do you/they use guilt-tripping or martyrdom to get your/their way?

Statements like "After everything I've done for you..." or "I guess my feelings don't matter" are manipulation tactics designed to make others feel guilty for having boundaries or different preferences. This creates a dynamic where saying no feels cruel.

Example: "When I couldn't attend their event, they said, 'I'm always there for you, but I understand if you're too busy for me.'"

7. Do you/they rarely take direct accountability, instead deflecting or explaining away harmful behavior?

Genuine apologies are rare. Instead, you'll hear: "I'm sorry you feel that way," "I was just trying to help," or lengthy explanations that shift focus from the impact to their intentions. The underlying message is always that the hurt person is being too sensitive or misunderstanding.

Example: "They never actually apologize. Every 'apology' starts with 'If you would just understand where I'm coming from...'"

8. Do you/they fish for compliments through self-deprecation?

Statements like "I'm terrible at this" or "I'm sure nobody cares" are bait for reassurance. When you provide the expected compliment, it's absorbed without acknowledgment. When you don't, resentment builds. This creates exhausting emotional labor for those around them.

Example: "They constantly post about how they're 'not good at anything,' and when I don't immediately reassure them, they get cold."

9. Do you/they give backhanded compliments or subtle put-downs disguised as observations?

"You look great—I could never pull off that bold choice" or "You're so confident; I wish I didn't care what people thought" are examples of compliments that carry hidden criticism. These interactions leave you feeling vaguely insulted but unable to pinpoint exactly why.

Example: "They said my presentation was 'surprisingly good' after I spent weeks preparing."

10. Do you/they avoid direct conflict but express anger through passive-aggressive behavior?

Instead of addressing issues directly, covert narcissists express displeasure through "forgetting" commitments, showing up late, doing tasks poorly, or making snide remarks. This allows them to express hostility while denying any malicious intent if confronted.

Example: "After our disagreement, they 'forgot' to pick me up from the airport like they promised."

Relationship Patterns (Questions 11-15)

11. Do you/they create triangulation by comparing people or fostering competition for your/their attention?

Covert narcissists may mention how someone else "really understands them" when you fail to meet their needs, or compare you unfavorably to others. This creates insecurity and competition for their approval, keeping others off-balance and working harder to please them.

Example: "They frequently mention how their ex was 'so much more supportive' when I can't drop everything to help."

12. Do you/they maintain victim status in most conflicts, even when your/their behavior caused harm?

No matter the situation, they find a way to be the wronged party. If confronted about hurtful behavior, they shift focus to their pain: "How could you attack me when you know how hard things have been for me?" This makes it nearly impossible to address their harmful actions.

Example: "I tried to explain how their constant criticism hurts me, and they cried about how they're 'always the bad guy.'"

13. Do you/they withhold affection, validation, or support as punishment?

When displeased, the covert narcissist becomes emotionally unavailable—not in a healthy boundary-setting way, but as a punitive measure. The warmth returns only when the other person has "made up" for the perceived transgression, often without clear communication about what was wrong.

Example: "After I set a boundary, they became cold and distant for weeks until I apologized for 'hurting them.'"

14. Do you/they struggle with celebrating others' successes without diminishing them or centering yourself/themselves?

Genuine happiness for others is difficult. Responses to good news are muted, qualified, or redirected: "That's nice, but..." or immediately sharing their own achievements. The message is clear: others' wins somehow threaten or diminish them.

Example: "When I shared my promotion, they said 'Must be nice' and then didn't speak to me for the rest of the day."

15. Do you/they require constant reassurance about the relationship but dismiss others' needs for the same?

They need frequent validation of your commitment, care, and loyalty. However, when you express similar needs, you're being "needy," "dramatic," or "insecure." This double standard creates an unbalanced dynamic where one person is always proving themselves.

Example: "They need me to text constantly to prove I care, but when I ask for the same, they say I'm being controlling."

Self-Image Patterns (Questions 16-20)

16. Do you/they maintain a self-image as uniquely sensitive or emotionally deep that others "just don't understand"?

The covert narcissist's self-concept centers on being more perceptive, feeling, or aware than others. This "special" sensitivity excuses their behaviors and places the burden on others to accommodate their unique emotional needs. Anyone who fails to do so is labeled as uncaring or shallow.

Example: "They constantly say things like 'People like you don't understand what it's like to feel things this deeply.'"

17. Do you/they keep score of what you've/they've done for others, bringing it up during conflicts?

Kindnesses and favors are recorded as debts to be called in later. During disagreements, they'll reference past helpfulness to guilt others into compliance: "Remember when I helped you move?" or "After I was there for you during your crisis..." Genuine generosity doesn't come with an itemized invoice.

Example: "Every argument ends with a recitation of everything they've ever done for me, going back years."

18. Do you/they alternate between idealizing people and devaluing them based on whether they're meeting your/their needs?

When someone is providing the desired attention and validation, they're wonderful and perfect. The moment they fail to meet expectations or set a boundary, they're suddenly selfish, uncaring, or the worst person. This black-and-white thinking creates whiplash in relationships.

Example: "Last month I was their 'best friend who really gets them.' This month I'm 'just like everyone else who disappoints them.'"

19. Do you/they have a pattern of relationships ending badly, with you/them as the wronged party?

Their relationship history is a series of betrayals, abandonments, and disappointments—always at the hands of others. They were the devoted friend/partner/child, and others failed to appreciate them. This pattern indicates an inability to acknowledge their role in relationship dysfunction.

Example: "According to them, every ex was terrible, every former friend betrayed them, and they're always the one who 'gave everything.'"

20. Do you/they struggle with genuine joy or contentment, often focusing on what's missing or wrong?

Chronic dissatisfaction pervades their experience. Good moments are minimized or followed by complaints about what could be better. This negativity serves two purposes: it maintains their victim status and prevents others from feeling secure in the relationship.

Example: "At a beautiful vacation spot, they spent the whole time complaining about minor inconveniences and comparing it to better trips."

Interpreting Your Results

Scoring Guide:

• 0-5 YES answers: Low likelihood of covert narcissism. Some behaviors may appear situationally, but there isn't a consistent pattern suggesting narcissistic traits.

• 6-10 YES answers: Moderate concern. Some covert narcissistic patterns are present. If assessing yourself, consider therapy to explore these tendencies. If assessing someone else, establish clear healthy boundaries and notice if they respect them.

• 11-15 YES answers: High likelihood of significant covert narcissistic traits. These patterns likely cause substantial relationship difficulties. Professional support is strongly recommended.

• 16-20 YES answers: Very high likelihood of covert narcissism potentially meeting clinical criteria. These patterns create toxic dynamics that harm everyone involved. Professional intervention is essential.

Important Considerations:

Context matters: Everyone can display some of these behaviors during stress, illness, or temporary life challenges. Covert narcissism is about consistent, long-term patterns across multiple relationships and situations.

Clinical diagnosis: This test is an educational tool, not a clinical diagnosis. Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be diagnosed by qualified mental health professionals through comprehensive assessment.

Self-awareness paradox: True covert narcissists rarely recognize themselves in these descriptions or, if they do, quickly explain why their situation is different or justified. If you're genuinely concerned about your own patterns and willing to change, that's actually a positive sign—it indicates the self-reflection capacity that narcissists typically lack.

Behavior vs. personality disorder: Having narcissistic traits doesn't automatically mean someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The clinical diagnosis requires pervasive patterns causing significant impairment across life areas and is relatively rare (affecting less than 5% of the population).

What to Do If Your Score Is High

If You're Assessing Someone Else

Scoring 11+ indicates a relationship requiring significant changes:

1. Accept you cannot change them: Covert narcissists rarely acknowledge their patterns, even when confronted with clear evidence. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes: "You cannot heal someone who doesn't believe they're wounded—especially when they believe everyone else is the problem."

2. Establish firm boundaries: Define what behaviors you will and won't accept. Critically, enforce consequences when boundaries are crossed. Covert narcissists test boundaries constantly; without enforcement, they're meaningless.

3. Reduce emotional investment: Stop seeking their approval, validation, or acknowledgment of your feelings. These efforts fuel the dynamic. The less you need from them emotionally, the less power they have.

4. Document patterns: Keep notes or journals of specific incidents. Covert narcissists are masters of making you doubt your memory and perception. Documentation provides clarity when you're being gaslit.

5. Build external support: Covert narcissists often isolate their targets. Strengthen connections with friends, family, or support groups who can provide reality checks and emotional support.

6. Consider the relationship's viability: If this is a romantic partner, ask whether you want to spend years managing this dynamic. If it's a covert narcissist mother or family member, determine what level of contact is sustainable for your wellbeing.

7. Seek professional support: A therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse can help you process the relationship, rebuild self-trust, and develop strategies for either managing or exiting the relationship safely.

If You're Assessing Yourself

Scoring 11+ requires honest self-examination and commitment to change:

1. Acknowledge the patterns without shame spiraling: Recognition is courageous. Narcissistic traits often develop as protection against deep-seated shame and inadequacy. Understanding this context doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it does make change possible.

2. Find a qualified therapist: Specifically seek someone experienced in treating narcissistic traits, ideally using modalities like Schema Therapy, Mentalization-Based Therapy, or Transference-Focused Psychotherapy. Not all therapists have expertise in this area.

3. Commit to the long game: Changing ingrained personality patterns takes years, not months. The therapeutic relationship itself will likely trigger narcissistic defenses. Staying engaged despite discomfort is essential.

4. Practice radical accountability: Notice when you're explaining, justifying, or deflecting. Challenge yourself to simply acknowledge impact without defending intent: "I hurt you, and I'm sorry" without "but" or "because."

5. Develop genuine empathy: This requires sitting with others' pain without making it about you, tolerating the discomfort of having caused harm, and validating others' experiences even when they differ from your intentions.

6. Build distress tolerance: Many narcissistic behaviors are attempts to manage internal discomfort by controlling external responses. Learning to sit with difficult emotions without immediately acting to relieve them is foundational.

7. Address underlying wounds: Narcissistic traits typically protect against core beliefs of worthlessness or defectiveness. Healing requires confronting these beliefs directly rather than covering them with compensatory superiority or victimhood.

8. Accept relationships may not survive the change process: As you shift patterns, some relationships may end—particularly those based on the old dynamic. This is painful but often necessary for genuine transformation.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can covert narcissists change?

Change is possible but rare and requires: (1) genuine recognition of patterns, (2) sustained motivation despite discomfort, (3) skilled professional support, and (4) years of committed work. Most covert narcissists don't meet these criteria because they don't believe they're the problem. The self-awareness and humility required for change contradict the core narcissistic defenses.

However, some people with narcissistic traits—particularly those who developed them as responses to trauma or environments that demanded perfectionism—can make meaningful progress with proper support. The key differentiator is whether someone can tolerate accountability without collapsing into shame or deflecting into blame.

Is covert narcissism worse than overt narcissism?

Neither is "worse," but covert narcissism is often harder to identify, which can make it more damaging. Grandiose narcissists' behaviors are obvious, so victims recognize the abuse and seek help sooner. Covert narcissists' subtlety creates confusion: "Are they manipulative or just sensitive?" This ambiguity keeps victims trapped longer and more likely to blame themselves.

Additionally, covert narcissists often present as victims, which activates caregiving responses and makes setting boundaries feel cruel. This dynamic creates particular challenges for empathetic people who doubt their own perceptions rather than questioning the narcissist's narrative.

Can someone with covert narcissistic traits be a good parent or partner?

Having some narcissistic traits doesn't preclude functional relationships, especially if someone has insight and is actively working on these patterns. However, untreated covert narcissism creates profound relationship dysfunction.

Children of covert narcissists often struggle with chronic guilt, feeling responsible for their parent's emotional state, difficulty trusting their own perceptions, and patterns of over-giving in relationships. Partners frequently experience emotional exhaustion, diminished self-worth, and confusion about whether their needs are legitimate.

The question isn't whether someone with these traits can have healthy relationships, but whether they're actively doing the difficult work required—and whether you're willing to be in relationship with someone during that process.

How do I stop attracting covert narcissists?

Covert narcissists are drawn to empathetic, conscientious people who try hard to understand others' perspectives and take responsibility for relationship harmony. These are positive qualities, not flaws to eliminate.

The key is developing discernment: healthy people appreciate your empathy but don't exploit it. They reciprocate emotional labor, respect boundaries, and take accountability. Build these skills:

• Notice reciprocity patterns early: In new relationships, observe whether care flows both directions or you're always accommodating their sensitivities
• Trust discomfort: If you feel constantly anxious, guilty, or like you're "walking on eggshells," that's data—not something to overcome with more understanding
• Set small boundaries early: How someone responds to minor boundaries reveals their respect for your autonomy
• Value consistency: Healthy people are relatively consistent. Cycling between idealization and devaluation is a red flag
• Work on your own patterns: If you learned early that your worth depends on meeting others' needs, therapy can help you develop inherent self-worth that isn't dependent on approval

Moving Forward: Reclaiming Your Reality

Whether this assessment revealed patterns in someone else or within yourself, awareness is the essential first step. Covert narcissism thrives in ambiguity—the fog of "maybe I'm too sensitive" or "they're just misunderstood." Naming the patterns clearly is how you reclaim your perception of reality.

If you're in a relationship with someone who scored high on this assessment, understand that your confusion is not accidental. It's the predictable result of systematic manipulation. Trusting yourself again takes time, support, and often distance from the relationship's influence.

If you recognized these patterns in yourself, your willingness to look honestly is significant. Many people go their entire lives protecting these defenses rather than examining them. The path forward is challenging—it requires confronting the shame and vulnerability these patterns were designed to avoid—but it leads to relationships based on genuine connection rather than manipulation and control.

Remember: healthy relationships don't require constant proving, explaining, or walking on eggshells. You deserve connections where care is mutual, boundaries are respected, and your feelings are valid—not evidence of your inadequacy. Whether that means transforming your current relationships or building new ones, you have the right to expect more than survival mode.